=)

=)

Kris said I'm snappy these days.

Like I'm PMS-ing everyday.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Blustering has officially replaced my whining and it totally rocks cause it's what I always wanted to be. Straight-forward instead of beating round the bush.

Schedule pretty hectic as well. Performances and projects and homework. Pretty oppressed by the time constraint but taking it alllll in. It'll pass, I'm sure it will.

I miss form4

=(

blah

No one gets to you like I do? Fine, then I'll get away so I won't "get to you". Capisce?

I can talk about God all I want and you or any earthling can't stop me.

Resend my messages back if you wish. I'd love to get back a tiny bit of kindness from you, even if it were all mine to begin with. Your narrow mindset could've made an angel look evil.

Screamings only come in after some guy didn't respect me enough to let me get one tiny word in the conversation.

Don't put words in my mouth. Never said you were the angel's crap. Where'd you get such sick ideas? Hm I wonder. Perhaps your life hints all your screwed-up thoughts.

I AM low and messed-up. Never denied that. At least I don't tell the world how great my temper is or how much I've improved.

I could've killed Hercules? He was weak anyway. You could've killed yourself.

Find me when you find your conscience. Till then, I don't know you.

Confused

My dear,
When will you truly understand?
I was at tuition when I got your message to read your blog.
I was skipping and prancing, thinking that you finally knew what I've been trying to make clear to you.
But reading it now, I cannot understand. Every word in that blog is for your defense. Please don't be mad. It's the way it is, and I expected something more.

1. You claim you solve things in peace and harmony. Where does that come along? I'm sorry, but I don't see it. Maybe it's practised with people who don't truly know you, and haven't seen the darkest side of you. They make you smile, they make life so much easier. It's authentic, of course it is. But I've known the times you cried, the times you felt little and vulnerable. It doesn't matter if you don't care about this, but God told us to love, even our enemies.

2. The only reason why everything happened was because of provocation? Can you see the defense in that? Can't you just for once, let your guard down, and admit that you screw-up sometimes instead of blaming me for provoking you after I wrote ONE msg? And if I mean nothing to you, how is it possible that whatever I say or do provokes you in any way at all? You are by all means non-provokable to me, as I should be to you. If I mean absolutely nothing to you, then why blog about me? You haven't explained that part. Why feel the past when you despised it so much? Why feel anything that's left even if you claim that I'm gone from you? Why try telling me how much you've improved? You KNOW I cae about you. Please don't misuse it.

3. About last night, do you even know how hard it was for me to send you all those nice msges? Do you think it would be easy for anyone to have done that if some guy fought and argued with you the whole time and never even tried to listen to what you had to say? I am trying, and yet you just don't appreciate it. I pray for you almost every night, but you just can't put a tiny iota of effort to be just a little nicer? God sees everything. "With God on our side, who can be against us?" Take Him as yours. And you will know what's right for you.

4. Cutting connections with J was a personal choice. My personal choice. Never blamed you for it, never will. Why is he even in the picture? He's been great to both of us. And I admire him for the strength to face two different people. Why do you think I blame you for losing him? I DON'T. You think of me in such pejorative terms that even the slightest current happenings lead you to misunderstand that I'm trying to blame you for the things in my life when in fact, I'm not at all.

I've done all I could've for you. All in my power to do. I've been mean, I've been nice, God has given me strength. It is your choice if you want to admit all you've been doing to me or defend yourself once again. I'm sorry I was mean to you. Truly, deeply sorry. You know I am. You spent 7mths 2days watching my weaknesses bring me down, I've spent an eternity watching yours. Difference is, I'm genuinely trying now and I'm imploring for you to do the same. Can't you see what's in my heart? I never want to bring you down. I only want to see your heart.

Pride is not as important as it seems. I lost all of mine, dealing with you. Being low and messed-up isn't what ruins you, it's shoving it away and telling the world you're great that does. All honour goes to God, for whatever accomplishments you've achieved. Think about it, okay? Please? Any solutions of defense in any form, eg, blogposts, sms, phone calls etcetera will not be treated with favour. But if one day, you find out who you're meant to be, as always, you know where to find me. Let your guard down. It's been so long, and things still aren't resolved.

?siht ekil dne pu ew did woh?

I never hated you. You know that too.
And I will pray for your six assignments. Don't worry.

2 YEARS FI.

Let it go.

Life Is Peachy

Life Is Peachy

Almost died in Chem lab. Struggling from claustrophobia. Splitting headache attack since past two weeks. Been drowning self with Paracetamol. Switched to Panadeine as needed codeine as tranquilizer. NOT a druggie. Followed prescriptions. Too much going on in life right now. Too much to say. H u r t. Proof :

People have it worse than I do. Realised I shouldn't be so selfish.

Random happy pics :

Hongkies~

Pookie would do good in a horror film. Bakat terserlah.


Dearest Pol and a little of me at HLS =)

Resting at Ms Annie's new place. ^^

I just love this pic. so very much.

Pookie is sick. and SJ is errh, sepet.

hottie joey~ and chris in background. tuition-ing.

Emo Krissy. She's always so sad these days =`( and you can see pookie's portruding chin. heehee

Beauty

Wonder

Petrus b'day!!! YAraBi, terharu dia. =D all curtin peeps around.

Darryl's hot bro and hot guitar.

awwwww, bday babies.

Pray for me, readers.

Exhaustion

Exhaustion

There's much to say. Dimensionals and dimensionals of things to consider. Gosh. How do you keep someone from misunderstanding? Are they blinded till they fail to see the acts of kindness acted towards them? I'm so disappointed in people who are so entwined in what they do that they feel the need to compare everything with others. I mean, I took the first step to stop things and what do I get? The blame? Not that "things" were ever anything bad. I was afraid that you would think they were so I stopped them before they could turn dangerous. Am I restricted to your rules? You never were restricted to mine. Not ever. Not once.

So yeah, attack me with your anger. I'm immuned to it. My tear glands have opened endless times before. Tell the world about my perfection. It seems like you're the only one thinking that. And maybe those who are behind you. I don't care what they think. I care about what you think. Who are you? I thought I was the damned assumer. Right, I hope, and pray, that one day, you will see that all I did, I did for you. as opposed to your hopes and prayers of my death. Are you gonna find fault in these words too? Would it help if you were to see me cry all over again? Do you want me to portray myself as vulnerable all over again?

Is that what you want from me? To be small and broken?

Because I never wanted that from you. I never will. It's not in me. Even when each time you scream, my hands turn cold and I start to shake with fear. The fear is stuck in me and yet I don't blame you, I blame us. Even when each time you tell a lie, I dare not confront you about it for fear that you'd blame me for having trust issues.

God, no more of this. You can think what you need to think to calm your mind. It's what I want for you anyway. Hey Heart, are you there? It's me. Your butterfly. I need to talk to you, are you still there? Just a tiny bit of you? I have feelings too, Heart. Please remember that. And I'm a lot less stronger than you are, especially without you here.

Oh God

Oh God,

Carrying life bereft of hope, people struggling for a tiny breath of Your air have larger burdens to carry as time passes them by.

Why?

Great reserves of resilience come after but yet never reaching its adequacies, separating us from the strength to fight all the bitterness.

Why?

People in all injustices flow with pride, using their strength against others and defending themselves against what reproaches come their way, but yet live disreputable lives with smirks on their faces.

Why?

Their haranguing and petulance shun Your graces but yet they stay living caprine lives in their innuendo-filled hedonistic world.

Why?

Expostulation comes SO easy, controversy, galvanisation, corruption, anger, H A T R E D .

Why?

Wisdom and insight pass us by like wind but just so out of grasp.

Why?

OH GOD, WHY DO GOOD PEOPLE DIE?

All Hail Madame Narcissist

All Hail Madame Narcissist

Ngah Ngah Ngah, Kah Kah Kah

I love being reduced to a cultural cliche`

So very the fun!~

[Officially categorised under TheYoungAndTheVain]

Aiie. . .

S u k a t i

i

l a h .

;D

I Carry Your Heart

I heard this in a movie and fell in love with it.

Dear Che,

I carry your heart with me
i carry it in my heart
i am never without it,

anywhere i go, you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling
i fear no fate,

for you are my fate, my sweet
i want no world,

for beautiful, you are my world, my true
and you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing

is you
here is the deepest secret

nobody knows
here is the root of the root

and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart
i carry it in my heart.

Convo Delight

Convo Delight

Yeah, been talking to myself a lot lately. You should try it, it works ;p *waggles eyebrows*

Sarah : Jaynie, how're you holdin' up?

Jane : It feels cold, Rah. Like someone took my blankie away =(

Sarah : You hurt Pie, didn't you?

Jane : I'm a selfish biatch. We're not best friends anymore. I kinda pulled the plug. Does that make me a horrible person?

Sarah : You did what you had to do, for the right reasons. Let's just hope Pie understands.

Jane : Can't help but feel like it's just so empty inside.

Sarah : It's all in the design of life, I suppose. An intrinsic part of it which makes us who we are and what separates us from every miasma of feeling we're not meant to feel.

Jane : I've been worrying a lot lately. Like I can't truly differentiate what I have to do for my own desirable intentions and what needs to be done.

Sarah : Are you really that unhappy?

Jane : Do I seem like it to you?

Sarah : Look at life this way. Imagine this - You're an orphan whose parents left for a prettier baby and you grew up alone in the streets, singing with crickets and licking chocolate syrup of dustbins. You decided to venture towards civilisation and went to visit The Bintang Plaza but you can't seem to understand the escalator. So you get on there, and fall down four floors. You land on your bootie and your right fibula broke into 8 individual pieces. Your right leg is now amputated while your left is screwed-up so bad, it has been attacked by maggots the size of D.J's thumb. You are then sent to this mental ward as you claimed you saw a pontianak which apparently really did push you off the escalator. Miss Pontianak attacks you everyday and laughs at your rotting, stinkified, and amputated legs, while you are left to rot and DIE all alone in the smelly, abandoned place from HELL.

Jane : Gee, where do you get such sick ideas?

Sarah : It's supposed to make you feel better. It sorta creates this new imagination-has-gone-wild transition to be compared to life in reality. Aren't you glad you're so much better off?

Jane : I guess. Am I? I kinda wish it happened. Like then I'd have a whole new life and I would get to start over. Plus there's no one to lose because there's no one to love.

Sarah : STOP IT. What about rambutanman? Does he not mean anything to you?

Jane : Right now, he kinda means everything. Would I be crazy to say he completes me? He's a side of me I wish I had but never managed to become. He does things I'm too spoilt to even try doing.

Sarah : It IS sad that all insignificant moments pass like the wind and never are cherished when those exact moments actually bring the deeper meanings in life.

Jane : I know. How could I have let those moments go and not know how much they meant to my heart?

Sarah : Tahupun, but yet you just HAVE to be so suspicious. It there anything left in the world you trust anymore?

Jane : Don't condemn me! Goat, I DON'T KNOW. He's adorable, Rah. He smiles to me in this incredibly cute way where his head looks down and you think he can't face me but yet he's faced more of me than I've ever could.

Sarah : Don't forget those eyesssss.. ladida..~

Jane : So you think I live life grovelling in self-pity?

Sarah : Think about it, you live like a heinous girl of monstrosity and you KNOW he cares a lot about you but yet you claim to be deprived of complacency when in fact, he's giving you everything satisfactory. The good things in life are for free, girl.

Jane : You think I'm running away from love? What am I afraid of?

Sarah : You.

Jane : Guhhhh-reat. So I've been spending forever trying to figure things out and TADAA! To conclude, Jaynie is afraid of herSELF. How fcuked-up is that?

Sarah : Never said that, Jaynie. you're an intrepid, brave and benevolent spirit. Dammit girl. You're just gonna have to use it.

Jane : I'm not sure if it's in me anymore.

Sarah : If you say so.

Jane : So I guess I'm gonna ask him to take things a little slower right? So I can be sure of what I want?

Sarah : Is that even neccessary? And FOR WHAT? For you to change your mind YET AGAIN like you always do?

Jane : No, nothing like that. Just precautionary =)

Sarah : *shrug* Sensible thinking I guess.

Jane : Rah, I think it's happening! I can't feel my right leg. IT'S REALLY AMPUTATED! OMG!!!!

Sarah : It's just a simple case of pins&needles, silly. Like how paloi can you get?

Jane : Oh? oops. My bad. Heeeeeeeeeeee.

Amazing

You know what's really amazing?

10. The fact that you could stay up till 2am being mad at me, sleep for a tender 3 hours, and message me at 7am wishing me good morning.

9. The fact that we were playing a game and the characters in the movie I was watching were suddenly playing the exact same game all at the same time.

8. The fact that you play an instrument and the moment I think of you, I see that instrument on teevee.

7. The fact that we have this ramshackle, rickety feel, like we could have a bust-up at any minute and never see each other again but yet there's just still so much enthusiasm.

6. The fact that I laugh so hard at your grammar screw-ups and roll my eyes at your lameness but yet they continue to be the tiny things you have that I'm crazy about.

5. The fact that you sound like a qing wa (frog) and people call me FrogPrincess.

4. The fact that you see all the strangest things as "special" like our communicating retardations and the fact that I never actually agree on your opinions.

3. The fact that I feel like I'm living on borrowed time, like you gave me some time to live past the worry, and I gave you some to live past yours.

2. The fact that you talk to me really s-l-o-w-l-y when we're sorting out problems so I can understand and I talk to you like a 1.0x10^6km/s MRT regardless of whether or not you can hear me.

1. The fact that your forgiveness is inexplicable and you speak with intricate words of the heart while I remain hard-headed and unreasonable.

0. The fact that you say you love me and I know you mean it.

Easter

HE had no servants

but they called Him MASTER

No degree

But they called Him TEACHER

No medicines

but they called Him HEALER

No armies

but kings feared HIM

HE won no military battles

but HE conquered the world

He commited no crime

but they crucified HIM

He was buried in a tomb

but He is ALIVE TODAY

He is humble

but will always be exalted

His name is JESUS CHRIST

He is our HOPE and SAVIOUR

Little note to godma,

I wish I could take away all your pain. May this Easter be a reassurance of Jesus' love for us as He sacrificed His life for us on the cross for the redemption of our sins. He is risen, He has conquered death and all evil. Nothing can separate us from His love. No sickness. No suffering. Trials bring us closer to Him, that we may know and truly feel His sufferings, that we may understand how deep His love is for us. The Lord will be with you, raising your hopes and giving you the peace to get through all that you're facing. And I will be praying for you.

Have a Blessed and Beautiful Easter!

Contradiction

Contradiction (Long one, this one)

It's the Avril song -Girlfriend. If you checked out a previous post in March, you'd realise how I thought it was really lame, but I think it's growing on me. nooooo, how can I trust my opinions anymore? Haaaaih. The song sorta starts off with the cheerleader-ish sorta mood and she added some Gwen Stefani into it, but yet she's still obviously Avril so it sorta intrigues me I suppose. Plus it's a great song to listen to when you're grovelling about your sucky life =) which I happen to have indulged myself in, quite frequently as well I must add. =P

If you actually analysed the video properly, you'd notice there's this horsekick part. Band all over again. Gosh, I miss band..! =( I'm performing for the DancingShadow thing though. Whee~ So yea, back to the song, it has now climbed up my ranking from -4/10 to a 4/10. And the redhead didn't get the guy, so what right? It's just another one of the many grosteque distortions of reality.

Speaking of which, reality has hit me bad lately, as distorted as it may be. After the whole debacle with *ahem* and his furniture`, it seems like many doors have opened for me. Got another confession thrown at me out of the blue to which I said no to. Surprise confessions scare me dammit. And happy-wappy, =) B and I are friends again after all that happened between us throughout last year, I'm really glad you don't hold grudges, B.

The strangest thing happened lately, the one person I thought who saw me as Miss Invisible started contact. Morning and night wishes every night before sleep and before I wake up. The irony. It's strange but yet enough to pull me out of my pathetic rut. Even if we're really different, I discovered that I'm more of myself than I've ever been. I mean, through many of the past experiences which never seemed to work, it was undeniably caused by me and my hideous self. I was terrified of being me, in fact, I HATED me. What with me being so tragically traumatized and all.

This is like a whole new path for me, you know? I understand that I don't have to be perfect anymore to be accepted. But don't worry, Pie. I'm not going down that road again, trying so hard to be loved. ew. like so desbo. I ain't changing myself for just anyone. I'm going to change for my Mr.Right now, and live a low-profile and happy life with him forever. But yet my dear Pie, you will always be my best friend. Heeee, I need you to stay with me so I can truly analyse what I want from life.

NO MORE MAD MISTAKES.

RambutanMan,

You're on my mind.

Insomnia

Insomnia

Whoopeedoo. Me can't sleep. Bet I could if I tried but really couldn't be bothered right now. And tomorrow I BET MY ASS I'm gonna doze off during Moral. Just wait. Anyway, sorry about last post. Doesn't matter anymore lah. heh.

Anyhoo, went to Cikgu Hapizi's tuition the other day. Three new kitties!! Only one came out to say hi, very prettylicious~ Soooo very the cantek. hmmm <3 Sea Monster and I have yet to name him/her. And there are two more as well.

ok err well, it looks freaky here aye? It scratched me too. Cool kitty this one.

cuto-chan!!

I have no idea why I'm uploading this. Pretty memories I suppose. Miss hangin' with you Lyd. You will always be the sexiest cleavage-showing woman I will know in my whole life. No, seriously. You are so special, damn funnie lah those times, the swimming, the ahem bending low, the makeover, all that lipglossssssssssss. Ahh, the times. Hornified, but in a mild way of course.

=P

Yea, so I'm just killing some time and energy. Keeps me from thinking. This is when happy thoughts ought to fever to its upmost, plus there are jolly things happening now I suppose. Like I got 2nd again for the 1st summative. I'm starting to think I had this connection with the number 2 in my past life. woooo~ nah, joking. And I got highest for History. I scrutinized every factual word intently in that test until the little black letters started linking arms and dancing jigs in front of my blurred iris. So stressed that time. Turns out, result masih ok juak ba.

Got highest for Moral too. Ha. Ha. Amazing since I x berakhlak mulia langsung. But with those grades, who's complaining. Eighty-four. Sterling. And highest for BM essay. Didn't do that well for English essay though. Like how was I supposed to know you can't actually talk sappy to your daddy in informal letters. Gee, it's called informal for a reason.

Forgive me for my incessant babble. I need a superdupertonic to make me feel better.

Sheep. Maa.... maa.....

Throw Me Away

Throw Me Away

Do you consider me vulnerable
What else is there to reprimand
I c a n n o t u n d e r s t a n d
Have you at any moment at all thought how fcuked-up it is carrying this weak spirit
Living emptiness, dragging this catastrophe
Does it not appear to you like I've tried far more than I possibly could
Praying for a last-minute reprieve and yet it never truly was
Never the time for me to see you smile
God made things the way they are
For you to trample on and for me to fight for all the wrong reasons
Miracles do happen, but only a sap would've expected it here
Will you expect it too
Day after day of high-profile failure
Do you know how it feels
If being lost means being true to yourself, then what is life to you
I c a n n o t u n d e r s t a n d
All your reproaches
Your shrieks Your frightfulness
Blood crusted bars turning to rust
Is dying to self the only way out ?
Mommy, I love you















Will you love me too?

Resuscitate

Resuscitate

Sorry, have not been posting. Dear Che is back!! All my free time, I spend with her. Hardly go online as well. And look what goodies she brought from The UK!! heehee.

Football t-shirt for Mark!

Wheeee~ All mine!!!!

Manchester United jacket and mag.

I'm officially an MU supporter! =)

Did I tell you of the time sis and her boyfriend saw this RAD bmw in manchester. sekali they look inside, OMG, IT WAS RONALDO HIMSELF. like THE ronaldo.Like Kill me.

Oh and today, me n frenzies went to listen to law. This is our teacher. Words of the day : Sana, Saja, and Sila kenal pasti. REPEATED THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE 6 HRS. He talks like a choo-choo train and he likes to squint. weird. cute eh? nah, not really.

Aduhai, hepi dia =D and that's whale's ahlian bottle.

from da book.

I slit my wrist.

NOLAH, ain't THAT dumb. I cut it while cutting apples for mommie. Lesson learnt : Never cut apples for mommy............ without gloves. It's fatal I tell you. You know what I really wish I had at that time? Those pretty plasters from Watsons, the ones with zebra skin and stuff? AW. Buy that for my birthday and I'll love you forever!~

So, well, really glad sis is back. She is like one of the "must-haves" for every little sister. Things sorta fell into place with the rest of my life. Little miasma of depression here and there, but nothing J can't contain for me.

Thank you, J.