My thoughts

Went for my first day of volunteer work today in a legal centre. It was quite a blast. Even though it's a tiny job (what do i know after all?) it was mad exhilarating because it was like a stairway into a whole arena of future for me.

Wanted to blog about it right after it was done because of how high i was LOL but i didn't because i was at the computer cluster near the engineering building waiting for matt to finish his lecture so we could have lunch together and there they were, all them first years chem engineers who were brainstorming on their first year design project which i struggled like mad with.

I saw this dude completely blank amid his friends and i literally wanted to go over and hug him (no malicious intentions). well back to the point, i was back in there and there were so many people so i was shy to sign in blogger AHAHA

anyway i was on adrenaline all day long because of the opportunity, i do think i am quite lucky.

but then again i am also aware that the early days were always happy for me and life just gets worse with the passage of time...

..as they do with me of course through the observations of my life pattern.

there is one thing though that i wonder about, apart from every single advice floating around in my medula oblongata and that is this, do i need to be a bitch to study law?

lol

not that i am not bitchy AHAHA i am just not at this current time because my confidence has pretty much plunged to the negatives.

because of that, i really don't see myself surviving through long hours of debates on current affairs and what not because my idea about a conversation is probably about that girl's pretty outfit, what i did for christmas, or how i love my cat.

Sigh.

Don't look at me that way now. I guess deep inside me lies a weird inlet where i get my crazy emo ideas from but i don't feel like i portray them on the outside because i love my life and i love people and by no means do i wish to hurt anyone (intentionally) and i am like the most sensitive person ever. I can just imagine myself crying halfway when someone takes a tick at me.

Sigh.

and i don't know how to act against my conscience.

See that's the thing about doing a course you think suits you.

The cons. They will always be there and the only think you can do about it is embrace it, cry once and twice and ten times and then learn to accept them as part and parcel of tear ducts.

I am sure there are self improvements i welcome with open arms but i am not sure i am ready for a fraction of those that may be required of me throughout the passage of time not because i don't feel myself capable but because it worries me that i will one day look in the mirror and realise i despise the person i would have grown to be.

Random

Bla'ee hell i'm ge'ing fooking emo.

BEING COOPED UP IN MY ROOM SUCKS!

There i said it in a none emo way.

*does some stretching exercise*

only reliant on my exercise to make my feel good now. i've been told i am fit and i can afford to sleep after breakfast, so that's a bonus. THANK YOU FOR SAYING I AM FIT, you have no idea what miles of happy you have prepared for me.

Ok i guess i'll start going back to msn and skype after my half a year hiatus. Anyone who wants to talk just lemme know ks.

My msn doesn't work on Pinkie so i guess i'm going to ebuddy till i get it fixed.

Stop being emo sj. *stretches*

Hari Raya

Let''s just rewind a little bit to the time i was in malaysia. :)

Since hari raya will be over soon, i suppose it's about time i blog about it!

No biggie la, cause i was really busy on raya attending this youth rally from my church so i only managed to visit 2 houses lol. The first house i visited was mark's tuition teacher's house and the 2nd would be qhaz's.

And that is all. Lol. so sad kan? But i was also really busy with UK planning so i didn't have much time for visiting sorrrrrry!~

Best thing about raya for me is the cake. or ketupat. lemang. kari. slurps.

this was at qhaz's house. no pics in cikgu's house cause i scared she thinks i biadap HEHE

qhaz u can take the pics from here lah keh, malas ku upload kat fb. hehe

but actually kan, i like kek lumut best of all. MY FAV!!!! i took the final piece so no pics of it sorreh

this is pretty awin and i. I LOVE AWIN! She is like an angel hehehe she is so pretty and so cool at the same time thanks to qhaz hehe

she showed me and grace her pretty bracelet and she also brought over her pretty crown hair clip so i could take pics of her :DDD

how can i not love camwhore lovers!

qhaz in a funny pose

qhaz me grace

besties~!

don't know why my pics seem so blurry!

so sweet grace's smile :) i look quite gemuk here but nvm, because qhaz's mom made a statement about wanting my body shape so that made me very super happy

PS : matt said my tummy got smaller. Not just smaller. but SIGNIFICANTLY SMALLER!!! *OMG!!* *JUMPS IN THE AIR*

PPS: chia khuan said my face slim already. *OMG!!!*

Ok sorry for the intermission zzz

then we went to chillax at seafood bar and bistro. in our baju raya hahahah

there, i met mimi and ikram. ikram was also a dude who lived in holland when he was little, so it was nice to meet another one of em! :D

sorry no pics of them.

Anyway hope you guys had a memorable hari raya and visited more houses (and ate more kek lumut) than me SOBS

******

Ok so i had my first day of induction today. Matt came with ;) even though he's not in my course. Aww sorry baby to bore you.

I also met his close friend JW. Nice to meet you JW, hope everything goes well for you!~ Her bf is coming to UK soon, maybe one day when he comes to manchester we can go on double dates hooray!~~

Saw wanhui today! Happy happy! Saw some malaysians peeps in my hall at dinner but i am so bajio (no balls) don't dare to approach them. it's funny how it is studying in the UK. Somehow the asians look out for the asians and when you look around, you automatically start trying to detect and differentiate malaysians from hongkies and from the chinese (from china) and it is quite easy once you hear them talk.

Differentiating between singaporeans and malaysians is sorta hard but when singaporeans speak chinese i can easily tell them apart because their chinese accent is probably closer to china's chinese than ours is.

Anyway induction is errr ok i guess. there was a time the lecturer asked to see a show a hands who amongst us would see themselves as lawyers and there weren't that many raised hands. It's a relief for me because i was one of them who kept my hand down so i guess we are all in this together. Uncertainty.

It's hard to tell you how life evolves but i am lucky enough to have had the chance to discover it all the way from a small town called miri.

Stay tuned for more updates on life in LAW SCHOOL!~

Love from Manchester

Hello!!!

I am in manchester safely. Awaiting my treasure in the form of boxes! They could not arrive today due to unforeseen circumstances.

The flight was roughly 16 hours. But it wasn't as bad as it used to be, mainly because i had matt with me, so sleeping wasn't so hard. I could talk to him when i was bored and we played hangman together too. Leaving home didn't feel as shitty as it used to, because i have left home so many times i really don't feel so much pain anymore.

Met matt's parents and brother at KLIA and they are the sweetest. Had some pics taken with them :) Matt's mom gave him estee lauder and clinique facial care products and matt said i can take some YAY~~~

Handling luggage was shit though hahaha i am a terrible overpacker and i probably brought two thirds of stuff i am not going to even use (quote matt) but that's ok because security is key :)

Had a fun time also with the trolley which held my baggages. The weight of the baggages were unevenly distributed and the left side of the trolley was harder to control so i pretty much steered like a mad person. But it was also mad fun especially pushing all at one go with my full force and feeling the inertia take me along with it.

Happy to be in my new room right now with the attached bathroom in it :) even happier to see my friends angel and tamiko at the dining hall today. Waiting for you to come wan hui :)))

Farking scared to death of law but that's ok because i met a cyprus guy today who knows shit about law and because i know less than shit about law, he said we shall copy off those who know more than shit about law :D

Took a huge chunk of $$ out my bank account for course payment purposes and even though it pains me, the amount is somewhat negligible to the amount i lost last year so that's okay haha.

Thank you God for my safe journey, thank you God for matt who loves me and has been exceptionally wonderful, thank you God for my friends whom i am so happy to see and thank you God for being with me.

See mommy, i do thank God :)

And please let my boxes arrive tomorrow all safe and secure. Let no one come near them for ill intention and let my beautiful clothes scarves stationary TREASURES fall into my embrace as soon as they may :D

Thank you matt for my surprise gift. i love it! My santa! *HUG*

Byebye Bugsy

Good morning!~ Just a short post today because i am in a rush to settle many things in preparation for manchester :)

Things are all ok around here. I suppose that my sudden outburst of emo-nity the other day spoke to you of my mood hahaha i always get really emo like a few weeks/a week before i endure something challenging but i usually get better like 1 or 2 or 3 days before the thing because i've already accepted it mentally and in my mind, nothing i do is gonna change anything.

Complex huh? It applies to every single thing i've done in my life, like conducting my band in performances, exams, piano recitals, etc.

I have tons of pics to upload but i can't seem to find the time right now! There are lots of updates i need to do because Bugsy is no longer coming with me on my trip!! You know why!! Coz he's being replaced by Pinkie~

Ok if you're not an avid reader of my blog and you don't know who Bugsy is then you should really read my blog more often so that you will know :p

Pinkie is my new friend and she's really pretty :) I'll show you a pic of her one day.

Other than that, i'm gonna need to start serious packing before i forget something major (usually it's my glasses/contacts case). i also need to recolour my hair roots and reshape my eyebrows :D Hope all my friends and readers are doing well.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfiltri to my muslim friends and stick around because you'll get to see pics of Grace and i wearing baju kebaya's while ziarah-menziarahi-ng!

Wokay, wish me luck and safety and keep me in your prayers. :)))

Hairy Tale Pt 2

I cut my hair short!!!!!!!

Tadaa!!

Before you say i'm copying your hairstyle, lol, i didn't really intend for my hair to be this short!

I just only mentioned that i don't want to cut my hair short because:

1. Which girl doesn't say she misses her long hair after she cut her hair?

2. With long hair, you can secretly talk on the phone in class and no one knows.

3. With long hair, you can cover your arms/upper torso on fat days when you're wearing a cute tank top/tube top/halter dress.

4. With long hair, you can cover backhne on days you wear bareback tops and your back broke out!

5. With long hair, you can do hair flips!

6. My bm tuition teacher used to say my keayuan lay in my long hair. In other words everything else about me is not ayu lol *EMO

7. With long hair, you can cover your neck and ears easily in cold weather

8. With long hair, you can do the pontianak look for fun :p

9. With long hair, you can style your hair to many different things! ie, french braids, side ponytails, big curly waves, beehive etc

10. With long hair, you can slap your friends when you turn your head back just for some good fun!

But short hair can look GREAT on some people. Like really ten times better than long hair. I think that a girl with short hair is usually more confident. i don't know why, but that's what i think.

But because my confidence is usually 80% down in shreds lol, i always keep my long hair. I cut it, mainly because my hair is really spoilt after all the hair dyes and there are so many flyaways, they are very hard to take care of if you are not mega loaded like me and don't think monthly salon hair treatments are affordable.

Matt has always said he thinks short hair would suit me but i didn't do it for him! lol. i did it for the sake of my poor new and unspoilt hair just waiting to be separated from their spoilt enemies lol. Matt said his prayers have come true WTF matt! :p

And also, cutting hair in the uk costs like a freaking 25 pounds = rm125 Ha Ha Ha (the one in chinatown), that is like 4 times a haircut price in malaysia! So i figured i could just cut it short now and it'll have a whole year to grow there since i always cut my fringe by myself at the sink.

But anyway, i'm quite happy with my hair. I think it's a good haircut. Went to Kelvin's to have a try. Got a stylist that looks a lot like janet mae lee's older sister. :) i know her because we used to hang out when we were little. janet, you probably don't remember but our moms were quite good friends when we were young.

Obligatory ahlian pose since short hair is usually associated with cuteness. Bear bear 唱歌 ^^ hehexzxzx :p

ok since i'm feeling like that pic was very wu liao, lol i shall divert your attention to this korean song that is so EMO it will surely make you cry!!! credits to my dear friend pris who introduced this song and omg it is so touching sighhh

I remembered the song because my hair looks a little like that after i wash it without blowing with a hair dryer. no, i'm not a korean fan at all but watch this song and don't tell me you didn't cry!!!

Retail therapy

11 days to manchester! *pees in pants*

Worries starting to kick in! No longer easy to fall asleep at night SIGH

I am worried about the ensuite thing. My new room has an attached bathroom in it so that means i get my own bathroom space (no need to tahan my poo if got people in the hallway) HAHA yay! but i am worried because i use a lot of toilet paper and that means that it is gonna take up A LOT of my budget.

unlike before, i can't just use as much toilet paper as i want in shared bathrooms, provided FOC by the accommodation.

lol matt said that is a really ''important'' thing to worry about :p

i don't know about you but i don't feel at peace using minimal toilet paper. even after peeing. (guys you won't understand lol)

I will also need to buy myself a full length mirror now that i can no longer run secretly in and out of the shared bathroom which had the mirror!

ie,

XD

I am damn sad actually because i just started a new song at dance class (paris hilton WTF!) but now i won't get to finish it ! *wails* sighhhhhh

and without dance, how am i gonna sweat it out and feel GREAT! how am i supposed to get thinner from now on. how are my arms and tummy gonna survive through my stress-induced munching sprees. how can i go jogging in manchester without turning to ice or becoming one with the rain?

how am i gonna solve my non-commitment with Mr Gym? :S

I am also gonna miss the weather in malaysia terribly. I am the type of person who easily gets cold so me and mancunian weather don't really match. Except maybe spring weather is fine.

How am i gonna maintain ballet flats' cleanliness & GOOD SMELL with all the puddles in manchester. btw my red ballet blats just KO-ed *funeral mode*

How am i gonna drink cendol SOBS actually there are 2 or 3 malaysian restaurants in manchester neninenipoopoo :D:D manchester roxxxxxx!

Actually that is all i can think of for now hehehe.

Mom realises my need for retail therapy and look what she got me!

Ribbon junior pearl necklace in off-white!

I am in love with fashion that involves pretty pretty ribbons. I have no objections whatsoever! They are dainty and sweet and so cute! omg!

I saw this Coach wallet with matt the other day. It was leather black and had a ribbon on it! So! Cute! But i didnt have enough $$ la i still dream about it somedays :p but i'm very happy with my pink Guess.

My first floral item. I am aware the whole wide world is about florals now but i never got around to buying one till now. Mainly because i always feel a lao gu dong sorta gan jue with florals. When i try on some i look like your grandma XD

Not really my true style but this one is really pretty and sweet :)

I think i mentioned before that i tried on this gorgeous red floral tight fitting dress at jane norman and matt loved it a lot on me but then i had to put it back on the rack because every single girl has one of those!!! and my tummy was also huge at that time so i felt like the dress was accentuating the hugeness of it

And true enough after i left manchester matt saw like 3 or was it 4 girls wearing the similar dress.

But on the day i tried on the red floral dress i ended up buying this yellow one sided jersey with retro prints on it. love it!

I think that to follow fashion, you need to be mega loaded because obviously seasons pass and what will you do with all the fashioney stuff you purchased when they were to go off? Eg, oversized bell bottomed jeans. I had those in like lower secondary form and i donated them to workers at the petrol station a few years back.

Unless of course you are really the type that needs to follow in stream then it may be worth it for you. Everyone has their kinda thing. Maybe you can end up selling them off once you get sick of it just before the season ends? I dunno.

I also got green yoga fold-over pants and a couple of fanciepantiies :p

Ok please pray that my worries don't eat me alive! thanks.

Teach me

Do expect this entry to be a long one.

So last saturday was my last day at work. I am going off to manchester real soon to study a law degree and i had to end my job in Miri.

I was filled with mixed emotions. I think i will have trouble describing my feelings without turning cryptic but i shall try.

Being a teacher has definitely been one of the most exhilarating moments of my life.

Life, lately, has been a real shitload of drama and instability. Having a job, for one, was a way for me to feel fully and with commitment, a part of something i could zone my focus onto for the purpose of zoning my focus out of my temporary life of being on hold.

At times when i have long days, i would feel the slightest impatience at some kids when they acted out or when i had to correct them every 5 seconds for the things they could not read or the questions they could not solve. There are kids of all sorts in the centre i worked for. Kids from Jirudong International School from Brunei who come down on weekends, half malay half chinese kids, half white half native kids. All sorts.

At times i felt like i was out of place because i did not study a teaching degree nor would i ever aspire to because it has simply never come to mind.

The incredible thing is, at the end of the day when i were to come home all exhausted and sore-throaty, i would place my mind on the few of the kids whom i taught and they would bring so much joy to me. I would talk to matt about them and i could go on for hours if we weren't doing long distance and the phone bills didn't cost so much lol

While nearing the time for me to depart, i looked at some of the kids i had really bonded with and i swear i could cry if i was alone. I told some of the kids i was going to leave to further my studies but some of them were so young they didn't really know what "further my studies" meant. So i had to tell them i was going back to school. Some asked if i will ever come back. Some looked at me with their huge puppy dog eyes trying to decipher the reason behind my leaving them.

This is a picture one of the kids drew of me. She drew my eyes so big! *touched*

The thing is, she is not even placed under my teaching care, as in she is mostly with other teachers but she noticed my flower necklace! even the chain is the same! And i wasn't even wearing it on the day she drew the picture which means she has been noticing me for quite some time.

Sigh, how can i not love kids who love my style? lol

I have always loved kids with an extra cherry on top which is why grace suggested i become a pediatrician so i could deal with them and help them in life. Mom thinks so too but she always said i'd only love them when they were good and not when they were to act out of control.

I always thought myself to be impatient but i am surprised to hear my boss tell me i am patient and motivated.

Recently, i suppose i matured slightly and i no longer go chasing after cute fat kids with grace. I feel like my entire mindset has turned around and just the other day, i held a kid's left hand while walking down a spoiled escalator while he was whining to his grandma to hold both his hands. He smiled at me thereafter and i felt accomplished. His grandma asked him to say thank you to "ah jie" (thank God she didn't call me AUNTIE) lol

In the same way, there are kids at my workplace that make me feel a great sense of accomplishment. I love watching improvements and even if there weren't any for some of them, i love how they suddenly started trying harder. I love how a kid who for all this while pretended to be good showed his true colours when he was under my care(i knew he was naughty when i first saw him because he had a transformers pencil case and a cut on his eyebrow lol)

There are kids that most people think the worst of but i can't help but see them for their soft and pure side they do not show clearly but in a soft and discreet way are just screaming for acknowledgement.

If anything, this job has brought me one step closer to motherhood. If i could love the students i teach regardless of how bad they are, i wonder how much deeper a love would be between a mother and her child. It is unfathomable to me at this point.

On the other hand, i do see young mothers going in and out of the centre regularly. These mothers look my age but are already mothers of 2 or 3. When i glance at them, i stare in awe at how they handle their kids. I wonder if i would ever be ready to give up my entire life for my kid.

There are so many things i have discovered i'd like to do. Things i may not have the courage for now but would love to try when the time is right. Is my time running short? Will i be the person i aspire to be before i call myself worthy to be a mother? Will i be satisfied with my own life before i try to help my kids be satisfied with theirs?

I know i sound freakishly scary to non-committed people but honestly, one day, you will have this monologue in your head.

Nobody wants to die alone. or grow old having no one to care for them.

Sigh i am so sorry this is so damn emo.

I am very grateful for this experience. I do not know if anyone else would feel so emotional about a job. And even though this job is really probably not at all related to what i will be studying, i know that it has, in the most special way, brought my life up a notch in this journey of understanding the person that i am.