The Tipping Tiptoe

The expression swept across his face,
though swift it wipes away
as if tied to the hand-holding of every bygone,
skipping and prancing to a gust of wind as it carries with it leaves,
of auburn green and yellow, wafting across land after land, the sea after sea of an unknown time

ever tipped indeed it may have laid, upon either end of a tenuous scale,
greatness ever glorious while it tumbled unto a surface cushioned, so caressed with soft pasture,
to let go as though an anger once never known could so easily dissociate
dissociates
then nods to a freedom he knew to be so in tune,
so up top,
the hierarchy specifying the place of each known emotion

whilst a vulnerability so heavy and burdensome lay on the other end
dancing amid rigmarole after rigmarole, singing of the fleeting adages of our time,
where honey flow and dangers take off in peaceful acquiescence
the load arising into an atmosphere of hope and fortune
with its cost and its price only to ever take him back to it
the pointer,
asserting, postulating,
looking to apprehend, to perplex,
looking to mollify, to placate
tip it does tip it does


but alas the road not taken remains to be the road not taken
it lays bare awaiting the tiptoe of a traveller most timid
watching and gazing intently the trampling upon parasitical weed, upon delicate bluebell
of the alternative, muddy, forested, plane so vast
where wildflowers linger to be and to breathe

a plane of rescue
one of every convenience,
but attempt does it not to compensate the absence of a truer meaning
nor fulfil a depth so deep as the burrow collecting streams of still water
but it grows to be one in which there is time, and space
where he sits lackadaiscally
watching either direction and the every escape in between prove awry, 
colluding askew into endings uncertain to a point of tragedy
leaving to clarity only but a prompting, whispering to his stride 
as it responds bringing his sprint into a pace 

he strolls to find an arena known only by him to finally be devoid of capitulation
a secretway he never once believed, not in years, to substantiate
not a breath could have held it in place

but he exhales the tremors of the day
bygones be bygones indeed they were
thus he stays put
aware
and he finds ever within his very grasp
a peace as was promised him.

A Leaver's Loss

Have any of you watched the movie "the pursuit of happiness", the one starring Will Smith? You know the part of the movie when his wife left him and their son while they struggled with poverty, trying to build a life of survival? A very frustrated Will Smith spoke these words to his wife, "You are weak, you are weak."

I think those words very accurately describe a person who leaves in the absence of compelling circumstances such as abuse, having been cheated on, and the likes.

Once you love someone, that person becomes a part of you. As cliche as that may sound, it actually literally means just that. When you love, you make a choice of commitment and trust, to hold on for as long as you possibly can, to support your other half, through all things frightful and beautiful, because that is just it, you love. And by your other half being a part of you, you do not blame them for the misfortunes fallen on your own individual life. You work around those unpleasantries because you want to be happy with the person who makes up this part of you you'd never want to see hurt or distraught.

When you truly love, you don't make excuses for failing to make her happy. When you truly love, you man up, take the lead, and become that person TO make her happy even if you feel you are incapable, even if all circumstances turn against you. because her happiness becomes your happiness and her lack of happiness would in turn fuel you to go after making her happy so you could be happy too.

When you feel unhappy and you realise she is unhappy too, true love does not crumble nor does it give in to such weakness. Happiness to me is very subjective. I can be very unhappy with my own academic life, career, self esteem so on and so forth, anything at all really, but that does not mean i am unhappy in my relationship with my partner, nor should my sadness in those aspects transfer into my relationship, because my other half is a part of me, and in no circumstances should i betray that other half merely because my own life is weak.

And that is why, I have tried, over and over, despite being unhappy, to make things work with you. I have told myself, over and over, that my fault will not attribute to any mistake made between you and i, because my fault is BUT MERELY my own fault, and should not morph into something ugly that comes between us. Who am i to destroy something built after 2 years of blood and tears? Who am i to destroy this part of myself i care for so dearly?

In a sense, i have been strong, to take in whatever sadness has been thrown at me for your failure to see how i have tried to do everything i can to make things work, whilst you fall so inexorably into this trap, of how you equate your unhappiness to our unhappiness.

So call me foolish for believing that when you love, you never, ever, walk out on someone in the absence of compelling reasons. Call me naive, and silly, immature and a hopeless romantic, but i know for my own life what it is i want out of life. I see this picture for my future and I am not afraid to bare my soul to someone who might possibly rip me apart, if it meant I could be a step closer to attaining a happiness of love i truly believe in; because i stand up for love, and its beauty ought not to be tainted by our human selfishness, at least not in my own personal life.

when my friends tell me i am stronger than i think, it helps me believe that being submissive has allowed me to grow a healthy and robust conscience. despite having been taken for granted, you should know that i stand firm on who i am and how i behave and i wouldn't do the same towards you even if i were given the chance.

We have been equally unhappy with each other, and yes, I have taken the majority of breaks from our relationship to clear my head whilst i worked on my own life. similarly, i'd expect you to do the same should you need to. But i have never, ever, walked out on you for good.

And i sleep well at night knowing that i didn't.

You on the other hand took a different route, one I have made peace with and accepted despite having initially been muddled up in a juxtaposition of shock and foreseeable prediction. And so i wish you well. Sincerely though, I wish you every happiness. I don't believe in karma because i believe that life is unfair, and some have it harder, in this case me. But your happiness from here on will indeed contain one less guarantee of someone who would've stood by you through thick and thin DESPITE her own unhappiness.

your happiness from here on would've been obtained by pushing aside someone who even offered the saving proposition of changing herself for the timebeing so she could cater to your required happiness because she naively believed you'd do the same for her should she find herself with a lot on her plate.

Call me crazy, call me a loser, but that is okay, this is life.

Call me a sucker for this love, but i beg to differ, because with all this unhappiness afloat, i am merely being who i am and doing what i perceive to be right.

Although it may feel like i am at the losing end here for wishing you well, in the end, you lose me.

and the simple truth is that someone who walks out on me does not deserve someone as naively foolish, masochistically mind boggling, traditionally conservative, painfully honest, patiently faithful and beautifully rare as me.

Goodbye, Matthew.

And in the words of Will Smith, "when someone walks out on you... it's because there is something wrong with them, not you."

Update

hullo everybodeh!

did you miss me! sorry i've been MIA, been dealing with a lot of issues with the boyfriend. i don't want to get into gory detail but we are on a break at the moment. we are on hold, if you will. now don't look at me that way, like you're shaking your head disapprovingly. i guess we've been having problems for quite a long time now, especially since my life has felt on hold since my depression a couple of years back. it feels like he's been there for me through absolutely everything but circumstances change though, and the connection we have at the moment is kind of impaired. or what is the word? i'm picturing two pieces of faulty gear rubbing together in the same direction when it's not supposed to. incoherence? gawd i don't know i'm getting rusty with muh words.

anyway thought i'd give an update but don't you worry about me. i've been through worse and besides i feel like the scariest part is over now and we are on our way to be with or without each other.

with or without you, with or without you ooooh, i can't live, with or without you.

i finally get those sage words of U2. i used to ridicule them calling them stupid for being indecisive and for singing about two opposites that are blatantly opposite leaving no option left at all so why sing about it!

but now i get why artists are so cool because they describe every nook and cranny of the human heart.

well i am partially heart broken but it is neither of our faults. in fact it's partially both our faults (GEDDIT, i just did a U2 dupe, am i awesome or what!)

but my life as a person is getting better. my health and my sleep and my being. so i'm thankful for that. and i'm thankful for everything around me including my ability to feel.

thanks a ton to all my friends who have expressed concern. thank you for taking the time to read this entry. take care of your loved ones and more importantly, take care of yourself.

xxxx

sj

Quicksand

It is often rumoured that a journey that you undertake will adhere to the soles of your feet so long as you have in it a faith that takes you the distance. the cliche notion would be that there is truly no destination, just a faith that gets you by, at times prickling your pinkie toe with rough stone and gravel or at times devouring you into quicksand. the water that keeps you going runs out in the scorching dessert and a tear trickling down your cheek serves as the only strand of faith left in your broken pockets as you realise that alas, you can feel.

love like the flowers in spring time blooms only when season comes but drought, on the other hand attacks however long it wishes to, at times for centuries leaving a continent in starvation of the faith, the faith within the nectar sucked by the honey bee creating life, movement, colour, being, formation, strength, only to result into death when that strength overpowers as it stings the life into the being of another creature who daunts and rumbles with traits of implicit vulnerability.

where would love be if faith had dried up in the sahara, disappeared from all partaking having been sucked dry by predators of the world looking to crush their preys under their power and influence.

there is no faith without a compromise, without an antidote, a saviour, a blessing, a serendipitous act of fate which completes the very existence of the essence of faith.

and so dear wanderer why would you then travel in longing for the streams of mountain dew when it is by no means set in stone that destiny, in all its mythic magnificence would ever opt to transport you to paradise?

Surface

i feel weird.

i feel pained.

i am going to express myself in the simplest way.

i know i did nothing wrong.

i know i did all i could.

that is how i know i've tried my best.

that there was nothing more i could've done.

The way love loves

It's been quite a while since i've posted anything really personal AHAHHA. or EMO for that matter :) (:

Life is looking up! It probably wouldn't count as "UP" for anyone else but me because my "UP" threshold has lowered significantly!

I've been through pretty rough shit but who am i to say what you've been through huh :)

Nonetheless, i miss this place as my personal blogging space. I refrain from blogging sad stuff because i don't want to give the impression that i'm emo ALL THE TIME AHAHA which tends to be the case with blogs because people tend to blurt stuff only when they need to.

And i don't want to give in to sadness at times so i talk it out to someone and let it go before my fingers itch to put it down on paper/blog/something that realistically solidifies that form of sadness LOL

anyway today's topic is on relationships.

this is because my "Relationship" tag has pretty much been abandoned since i've met matt and started tagging my relationship-related entries under "SoulMatt".

* * * *

I realised I've always been quite a lucky girl, in a sense that everyone i've ever dated has treated me fairly reasonable. i've heard many stories about guys cheating behind their girls or hitting her or dumping her etc and i've met so many girls who refuse to love because they are scared/scarred or because they simply don't believe in love at this moment of time.

this is my personal entry so i'm not gonna disagree with anyone's views AHAHA because everyone's life is different, comprising of different circumstances/circumcisions LOL, assholes and jackasses :) i'm just writing because i want to express my gratitude that i've never dated anyone who has damaged me so badly before.

can't really say the same about people who have admired me before though because things kind of got complex once or twice.

nonetheless i guess it's safe to say that i only went for the 3 exes whom i truly fancied, and whom i fell in love with. they all took good and proper care of me and talk to me to this very day. i cannot deny things will be awkward if i see them again, nor can i claim that they treated me excellently, but i will say they were good people with good hearts.

there is no purpose really for this post LOL i just felt like i wanted to share :)

overall i do believe my relationships influenced me greatly especially in my adolescent years. i wouldn't say it was all on them, because i probably had interest into being influenced by what they had interest in, thus constituting common grounds.

i was a really unstable individual throughout my adolescence and it cannot be denied that curiosity played a part. nevertheless curiosity never killed the cat :)

curiosity brought me into a whole different world where i experienced so many different elements to people. elements which a person cannot possibly embrace so closely without having been in a relationship with the particular person. friendship and a relationship with your partner are one and not the same.

my views were swayed over and over. regret, at times. painstaking danger and jolts of excitement at others. although i do believe that i strayed by a considerable amount, i know that it was i, myself who brought about that decision. Even so, i never strayed as far as i've known some people have, and i have my family and friends to thank for that.

there were certainly not very happy memories brought about by the "eventful" moments of breakup after breakup (which i initiated just for the sake of mentioning :p). but peering back into the boxes of the past, i certainly knew what i was in for, however naive i might have been.

and deep down i know, that i would probably never regret having chose the path that i travelled.

sooner or later, everyone will find themselves yearning to travel down that tempting path by taking huge insurmountable risks. and inevitably, pain and hurt will come pouring generously upon your barely covered wounds.

to me, it does not really matter which aspect of life that risk rooted from, career, friendship, ambition, because at the end of it all, fulfilling your yearnings whatever they may be, enables you to taste the salt of life that every individual will eventually stumble across slicked upon the bitter back of their tongues.

early or late, they will be there. and no matter how appealing avoiding it may seem, change will rob us all of safety and precaution and will leave us with insatiable desires to take the plunge into the unknown.

What happens if you do not plunge? well, i think that refraining from exploring the many possibilities limits your perception of others and how you relate to them. having not been in risky, mind-torturing experiences leaves you absent of the consideration and the understanding when people you love walk the steps you find foreign or absurd, simply because "there was that law of life, so cruel and so just; that one must grow or else pay more for remaining the same". -Norman Mailer

What i've gotten out of knowing these 3 incredible people is really how liberating it feels to have known what it was like jumping out of thin air into the arms of individuals you never expected to have loved. the liberation that comes from love messes with your mind, most especially when you haven't yet matured. with good sense and boundaries, there is nothing wrong in my opinion, with dating early. for me personally, it helped me channel my attention towards others instead of towards the areas of my life where i lacked contentment. it helped me see the extent love takes you and the extent others would take for your sake having been moved by the power of young love.

it is an incredible feeling, spark and maybe even your own personal legend which you would have had written on your personal writ ;)

there is no bad from which good does not come.

having known how my relationships wound up, i ended up in Matt's arms, the person i am with at this moment. Crossing my fingers for us to last, i know i am satisfied and deeply moved by his affections. Surely there are differences when you start dating again at an older age, but these changes are all constructive towards your being, and the person you dream of becoming.

Indeed there is no other greater feeling than to love and to be loved in return. The entire universe revolves around love and its rich and beautiful nature. Your very dreams are sourced from the strength of your love for life. It does not have to be a relationship between partners that helps you realise this, but for me, that was how it worked out.

All the best in your loving endeavours :)

W=FxS

Relationships are so much work. I guess that's why i've always been picky and careful about this matter. They can scar me with their thrills but i'd go for that anyday rather than a boring, dull relationship with excessive thinking, routinised dependence and the everyday gawking. i'm still young for crying out loud and even though that gives me the right to gawk as much as i like i'd like to gawk over things and not A thing.

Don't get me wrong, i don't plan to do polygamy, adultery or anything along the lines of it. I'd love to be in love with A person and have endless things i could gawk about every now and then.

I've heard around 15 confessions so far and only went for 3 in the past (one after the other) because those were the people i could see myself loving in the long run, so no, i don't think i would be easy breezy nor unfaithful.

Sigh i just wonder if i'll always need an exciting relationship with crazy twists even when it's time to settle down. But i guess the kids would compensate for a mundane lovelife?

Too early, i know, but i know people my age who are married with kids :O

Life is so much work when you force yourself to displace far. Even more so when it's branched out into different sub-jobs.

Unformed

I have this dream.

Every now and then this absent-mindedness manipulates the heart, trafficking fortifying illusions around while the ingratiation of self yet again leaves a better fraction incredibly pristine for the purpose of a boost to the peak of the pyramid.

Never in my life do i ever wish to sit in weak allowance for the aforementioned behaviour to blur away the glistening image i stack deep within the ever pulsating, so very essence of my being. Naively enough these wishes overrun by accident, leaving me in lisping decision-making whilst i strut on, dragging my feet to a rhythm i recognise to embody optimistic choreography.

Contrariwise, always in my life have i envisioned an ending so churning i would skip ten pages from where i am from to keep the spectacular determination for a happiness only i would clearly gather while the pieces though yet frail do i then hold in solid strength for appeasing the glorious light i render dear in my own spoilt photograph of pure and explicit want.

Because of my habits people call reckless, i find myself in just the very manner. Substantial thrills contain me while bollards linked in ultimate chains crash down upon situation after situation, misleading me while they grab every opportunity to serve as imposter. I fly off, with a belief i am stronger than this.

In me lies this accumulated desire to hold on to the beauty of knowing my dreams as they are and stepping over myself to go fetch. In me exists a beautifully collaborated collection of confusion as i take on each day feeling as though the little bit of myself that once upon a time flew away was really never mine had the past could have been more reflective of the present.

Painfully everybody endures all they can for a living. Sometimes i lose my way in failure to acknowledge that everybody endures all they can for me.

This fervent hope refusing to go out, might as well have gone out. This sanguine optimism simply has no foundation let alone effusive invites in such shaky ships but through forceful journeys have i proceeded to discover it is safe to be free, and safe to gain respect and pride in the things i would encounter, acquire and become.

Having believed every trial impedes for a reason, i now choose not to constantly stare blankly at visions, goals, wondrous travels, lives of sorrow enclosed in envelopes barely keeping the masks of joys and utter peace intact of which i always seemed to have a tremendous yearning for.

I may still be the same person but through every dire shrill that cuts through this sombre silence lies that same tool that breaks me down inside out and builds me up to follow in the footsteps of newness.

So i have this dream.

And this dream is to believe it is one yet unformed.

Wide

About the previous poll, I just set it up for no reason. I am surprised that i managed to cover a scope applicable to all readers :) I wasn't expecting every single one of them to collect votes cause i thought it was set to a pretty wide scope. But anyway, the thing that most people yearn for which they haven't yet found was :

The one. To love, to share and to be understood.

hands down!

Followed by,

A better heart and mind for greater things of humanity

with the rest following closely by with companionship, better financial status, health, specific dreams, and with career and family support trailing behind.

It's not really thorough though i should think. Some people yearn for intellect, beauty, strength so on and so forth. But

anyway it's just a poll after all. I'd rather get to know my readers :)

But what can i say huh, i guess love simply makes the world go round.

About time i write one of them relationship entries eh, haven't been indulging myself in any lately. Bet you're just wondering what happened to my lovelife ahahhahahah apart from the occasional mention of dates here and there.

Hang in there, stay tuned! (yes this is how i keep my readership wth)

*******

Anyway today i went to the gym. Lift my mood my arse! After running on the treadmill and overcoming them deadly weighted machinery, all i felt were bouts of vomiting urges which i curbed with belches, with the added sensation of shitty(literally) flatulence problems LOL

Morbid.

I hate the gym it is the most terrible place to be on earth. I'd rather diet myself to sleep and wake up to the sight of wrigley's!

But! let's not lose sight of my main aim of going to the gym, ie mood lifting. I am after all not fat. (Matt says i should not call myself fat)

...But even though i am not (that) fat, i most certainly do detect notions of wide lipid content within my recesses.

I despise my gym membership! It had better come with ab guarantee...! #&##$@^

Goodnight *plops on bed*

An old tale

Dear exbf number 2,

(now i know you've always thought of yourself as number 1 lol but you are actually number 2!)

But if it makes you feel better, you were my first love.

Happy Birthday! Here is my entry for you as promised!

It's funny thinking about how we were so little and young! Doing crazy and stupid things like hahahahahah i guess you know if you think properly.

I remember how i would always stand up for you, how i would always insist there was a side of you in there that was made up of goodness(during our old years you were just always the bad boy getting suspended =.=" and talking your way through the headmaster with your "sweet talk" wtf wtf wtf).

I remember several things, your waves at the pondok, valentines, watching the band peterpan on your computer, your mom confronting my mom, talking to your lil bros on the phone(hearing your bro tell me about his crush!), locking myself in my room painting a pic for you, walking to your house on a sunny day, meeting you under our shady tree, popcorn transfer wtf XD do you remember the imaginary boyfriend i made up? hahaha in fact today someone named ryan talked to me and i remembered this right away!

I remember pointing the third finger at you from the bus when you were under the tree HAHAHA, chasing you around pujut 7, screaming vulgarities at you and writing emo blog entries zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and the sadness sigh, and throwing mr piggie onto the window sill, and the blaring rock music, and the tearing of the pages in my diary so i wouldn't keep anything anymore.

i remember slamming the phone at you, screaming FCK YOU! Sigh i feel so angry now *throws rocks at you*

Whatever it was, we got over it. I still called you in times of need albeit very rare, and you still called me when you were in the lock-up. =.="

And like i've told you before, we are so different now and we just want different things.

I am glad we made it as friends and i still have the earrings, the letter "My Plague" with the black rose you drew on it and the green paper inside which you cut following the length of your sentences XD I still have the note you placed on my classroom chair one random day which you just tore out of any loose paper.

I used to keep one of your rose petals but one day it got disintegrated XD and mr piggie has been given away to charity XD hahaha SORRY! Think of the happy children! XD

I wish you love on this day, that in your personal loneliness you will find God. I wish you discernment, that you will be able to distance yourself from whatever you feel is wrong. I wish you courage, that you will be brave to stand up for everything you believe in. I wish you continuity, that your strong traits will blossom as you revitalize with character. And longevity so that you can repent before it's too late XD

Just because i stopped believing in us doesn't mean i stopped believing in you.

None other than me,

butterfly.

Nerd of 2007

Lookielook what i found!

* * * * *

You are my enzyme, and I, your substrate.
I break over and over again, but I only need one of you to make it right. We have a lock&key bond which keeps my heart locked for you.

We have chemistry. You are just like me, we're similar, hence bonded by strong covalent bonds. Although we have low melting and boiling points occasionally, we have van der waal's bonds that do not break because you are simply resistant to heat energy anger. Because you're you, I'm insoluble in water tears, and soluble in organic solvents your eyes.

You are my total internal reflection. When my critical angle mind gets bigger than my angle of incidence normal incidental present happenings, you take me away from refracting out unproportionally, and make me reflect and shine like the surface of a beautiful diamond.

You are my number 1. I am your cos2x. Hence i am 1-2sin^2x and also 2cos^2x-1. When I am in predicament(sin^2x), you take away double my predicament. When I am sooo happy(2cos^2x), i take you away and you're with me.

Still going strong. I love you =)

* * * * *

HAHAAHHA i can't believe i was so nerdy! HAHAH cracks me up. I mean, come on, what girl would actually figure this out! XD very encouraging for the boyfriend to study. *thumbs up with heavy spectacles XD*

If i were to date again, i wonder what other interesting things i'd come up with. This is what i need in life. More fun and less drama. More nerdy stuff and less difficult stuff. Actually i do incorporate some physics and maths in my deep writing. Lazy lah to hyperlink. If you've read me long enough, you'd know. The concepts just exist somehow. Usually not in a direct relation, but there nonetheless. Neh there's one down there entitled "Parallel", it's got math and physics init. It just pops up in my thoughts!

anyway i was just browsing through my archived entries. hmm all these memories.

Parallel

The beauty of great paralleling lies in the oneness without the need to be one.

A life, bereft of ingratiation, weathered with self-placating comfort, warped into disbelief, hold grasps to disguise the trueness of incomprehensibility.

How do i truly come to oneness with reality when tribulations endured point to a single emotion, an undying wave in a pool of great mixture, holding it's buoyancy for objects in motion to the boundary of goodness, each and every moment it's positioned far nearer to the opposition.

Knitted wrath, avenged sorrows afloat but no, they are never imminently occurrent, incapable of parasitizing the concurrent want for a Hyde to nod in change to submission.

Paralleled lives of disciplined ventures are not beautiful. They are not loving or kind, nor do they sacrifice to be sacrificed for. What is contained to be the essence of it, is what every human eye can see, every thought of life can denote. Never predicted though, are notions of sufficiency and acknowledgement for photons of great packaging, emitting a secret morphine of power to once fall into love, whilst within us, we cry for lack of awareness.

Time cannot tell, nor will signals be plausible in gesturing the danger a single note of encouragement could speak, within the recesses of wondrous mysteries.

From passion to unspeakable pain, people live on, boring themselves into the compound and living for the pleasures of immersed linkages within the two. In the same way, perpendicular bridges are sketched to bridge across the parallel lines so people could cross over in a straight and perfectly angled path over to the arms of the significant other.

What they may have ignored or wrongly assumed is how a single paralleled platform is shaken into distraught, constantly transitioning in awkward displacements further than any coincidental points.

All the wrong in a life could hurt and shun away hearts, but never once could they not recognise the existence of a being in parallel to them. Because the two share a continual relationship, passing through the passage of time.

And through that, they are one in parallel structure without sharing a oneness in line.

..the same way they share a oneness in direction without being one in body.

From that, we acquisce that beauty on its own is translucent, transferential and indeed two.

As you and i are two.

Therein,

..lies each reason to begin at the threshold. Therein, blossoms choice for the crossroad of coronary veins pumping to continuity. Leave it be, it said, while i pump free.

Leave me be, i said, while i miss everything about you.

Fatigued here, are the epithelial layers of frequently overtime jobs grazing at the cornerstone of hollow voids.

Leave them be, they said, while they struggle to keep crowning themselves with better grace and success.

Therein, i leave you be, because for every reason you let me be, i take and believe you want for my desires; you want for my desire to be free.

Heart & Forgiveness

Wrote this a while back. This has nothing to do with manchester btw. Wasn't sure i should post it up cause people might think of it as me taking an opportunity to brag but i really hope you don't see it that way.

Mom told me that there are some people who have never bothered about our family before during events. Not till dad appeared in the newspaper for being in the miri city council.

...the same way nobody bothers to greet mom at a salon when she drives the yellow ipsum. Not till she changes car for the day and drives the holland lefthand stirring black mercedes instead.

...the same way a boss of a business offering service at a shop would barely listen to me speak about why i am there. Not till the boss hears i managed to get into imperial college london.

Then and only then are there smiles and proper speech.

Personally, i don't favour these behavioural preferences. My mom raised me to care for anyone and everyone and i believe that is very formidable indeed. She cares for those whom have been possessed, those who are poor and those who are handicapped. And by caring, she teaches handicraft to the handicapped kids at Pusat Pibakat Handicapped Centre voluntarily, helps with transport for those who cannot afford bus fairs, and treats certain people whom she knows goes hungry for meals at times.

Honestly, it will be so hard for me to go all out for other people, and i don't want to talk all saintly when i cannot act accordingly. What i can do is try to continue doing the little i have been doing, like talk to my indonesian maid when she is sad, greet janitors and toilet cleaners with a smile and refuse to buy tissue paper at a store so i could buy them from the guy who lost his leg, limping while selling tissue paper at asiacafe, every chance i meet him.

For everything i have acquired in life, i am truly thankful, though i am actually not thankful at times, i just feel thankful but don't know how to act thankful (lol?) but i'm working on it.

It saddens me that certain people only seem to be attentive to temporary achievements. What if one day something unfortunate happens to my family? Will those people turn their backs to us in time of need?

I fail to care at times and one of my greatest weaknesses is my selfishness, looking out for myself much more than for others. From now on i will do what i can to believe it is better to be good at heart rather than good in the face.

Anyway happy hari raya aidilfitri to all my beloved muslim friends.

There is something that leaves me sore about this event, because i feel like i am missing out this year the way i have missed out the same event from someone's life for only just a period of time but missing out just makes all the difference when an entire life or plan is determined on the basis of learning to not miss out not just for the event but for the meaning of the event and the beauty that may come with it, which in totality supposedly completes holistically the existence of a bond that could have blossomed as opposed to anything other than it.

Maaf zahir dan batin. Especially from you, d.

Progressing Along

Phew! I've finished the things i need to do for my registration. Gotten my fees paid, gotten my bank letter, opened my back account, gotten my swipe card, meal card, and today, gotten my meningitis C vaccination!

Feel so happy wheeeeeee that it was all doable!

Now i need to purchase a unirider, get registered with a General Practitioner, pay accomodation (no rush) and join societies!

Yesterday i had a really bad time crying on my bed, not the KL type of cry but crying nonetheless. Just confused about my emotions.

Anyway, i've been going alone to do stuff and meeting random people along the way!

When i was in a queue for 2 hours(!!!) at whitworth hall(which i found by asking random people, i memang don't know how to look at maps lol), i met sabahans who knew the sabahan dude that's in my hall! They are all good and helpful people. And then i tagged along to see how they play footie!

It's mostly malaysians.

Guy on the left is lim ansin! Anwin's older bro. What a small world. He could recognise me, so cool. Anwin are you reading this hehe

This is my friend from my hall, Darek Jakubowicz! He's from czech republic, the place with good beer!

He plays footie at the highest level and is champion in table tennis. And he has a fiance back home! Very sweet listening to their story. He says he misses her more than his family =`)

This is one of the sabahans. His name is brian. He looks like my best friend's friend charly and he is catholic!

I met another catholic guy in my hall, his name is yoshi, he's japanese but has lived in hongkong for 5 years.

It's my zodiac! Not that i believe init. Ridima would fancy this, maybe :)

Group of msians! I finally got the chance to spend time with tseyui and caro. From left, looh zhen(from taylors), me, benny(swedish whose mom is msian), ying(from help), pei hao(from kl simedarby interview), tak(chem eng), ivan(medic), caro and tseyui.

This is a newly made friend from india Sangeet, and pei hao.

Sangeet and i. SOOOO happy my hair still has a brown tint to it omg i wana jump in the air and praise the brownness of life!

I told my friend ivan about how i don't like black hair but how i'm compelled to it because salons are expensive and voila! He whipped this book open about cheap salons etc etc can anybody be more well equipped than that! Life Saver! I am totally gona dye some radical colour next time bwahahahahhaha

It's amazing how many people you can meet when you're randomly doing stuff. Met alex from the carribean, 2 guys from jordan, a couple of msian senior medic students in my hall and i just came to know joel ang and tan ming jun from PE3 are also studying in ManChestCity.

Other than meeting people, I've been walking around on my own to nice places, like the whitworth park.

Not that nice, but considered nice in a city area. The statue is King Edward VII

flowers

Beautiful view. I think this is an art gallery centre.

And this is me!

I want a pair of flat boots. They look so pretty :)

I'm trying to keep going without being dependent on anybody. At times when i need someone next to me or to talk to, i feel really upset and i feel like i'm gonna depend on somebody all over again and suck that person dry i don't know why!

I see many people here missing their partners back home, and i just feel like we are on different wavelengths or something, because i don't have anybody to miss and i don't want anybody to miss.

I still think i am not ready to be in any form of serious relationship. And i don't anticipate my dependence on anyone here.

Maybe i am overthinking it. That's what friends are for right, to be there for you. It's absurd to push new people away when they want to help right! But right now, i feel like i'm stuck between wanting to accept their help which i clearly do need at times, and wanting to do things on my own by toughening up through thick and thin.

I used to question this, "How do i know when it's time to hang tight with something, and when it's time for change?"

It's just the same type of question. Categorised under the unanswerable.

Don't you think?