27

I turned 27 two weeks ago.

I always reflect on the year that has gone by everytime my birthday comes around. This year was no exception.

I spent painful moments in bed contemplating what my 26th year of life had offered, often being engulfed by feelings of non-contentment.

In my 26th year, I struggled in my professional life. My personal life did not see much development either. I would have hoped that by sacrificing my personal life, my professional life would flourish, because, I mean, everything comes at a cost. But I was at utter loss, because none emerged, none worthy enough to commemorate.

My best friend had gotten married, my godsister with child. It was like the milestones of the world were picked up by the teenie cartoon in a gameboy, BLURP BLURP BLURP, and I was the one falling into holes or running into cacti, KRAK, KRAK KRAAAK.

I shall stop that right here, though, because comparison is toxic--this I know. Needless to say, I cracked my head swimming in tumultuous waters, swimming in search of direction.

Monica from F.R.I.E.N.D.S was so excited to marry, and Rachel was courageous enough to have a child without having married!

Why did none of these notions appeal to me at all?

I was so nauseated by my life choices that I could hurl a good 10 times, imaginarily, and still contain enough barf for the next week.

In my youth so much was different. I was set to marry my stable (albeit non-caring, non-committal) boyfriend. I was going to do something airy-fairy, like international law, become some diplomat, or do something real estate-related. Possibly, childbirth didn't scare me like it does now.

Needless to say, I look back on this 26th year of my life and I realise many different things. I've learnt lessons, which I suppose could be summarised like such:

1) People-pleasing will not get you anywhere if the person you are pleasing is a bitch, no matter how nice you are. and i repeat, no matter how nice you are.

2) There will be friends that make you feel secure, and friends that make you feel the opposite. Even if you cherish the latter for any other reason, you aren't obliged to take their side all the time at the expense of your happiness.

3) Moral conundrums will surface and it is up to you to take the high road. Many a times it will be easy to be the scumbag. Make empty promises, shout at those who are incompetent, bullshit through an argument and pretend like your arguments are remotely sound, don't help the person who needs help because they're not paying you, yada yada yada. The people who rise above, are often overlooked and called out for being meek and unassertive. But being looked upon (as opposed to overlooked) is not the goal in life; being the bigger person, is. 

There, 3 lessons of my 26th year of living.

Having basked in all this non-contentment, there is 1 piece of contentment that I can safely say I achieved:

I have stayed true to myself.

I have taken the path I perceived to be right in many instances, often at my own peril. Even as I sit here on this bed, cussing at the fates for the outcome of my life, I can stand (or rather, sit) tall and proud, knowing I have given my best to the world, to people and to anyone I can help. 

A thought occurred to me--maybe these trials are in place to test you. Would you be proud to have succumbed to screaming at another person, just to get ahead? Would you be proud to have snitched to a superior about another, just to win? Would you be proud to have lied to a client, only so they will pay you more? 

I did none of the above, and I can say, undoubtedly, that I have placed my principles above my temporary wants and desires. So be it, if I haven't gotten what I want, for the things worthy of me are the things I attain comfortably, with genuine effort and without the compromise of my integrity.

Happy 27th Birthday, SJ. May the things that suit you best, find its way to you.