Sole in another hole

This is an honest entry.

Today truly marks the end of semester 1 because i just had my last exam paper, engineering math.

How did it go? I am 80% sure i will fail. How did engineering design go? I am 100 % sure i will fail. How did chemistry go? While the rest of my friends said it was good, i thought it was merely doable and by doable i mean i managed to leave none blank. How did transport go? I am 50% sure I will fail.

I am not really shocked at my failure because i am more shocked about my attitude.

In ALevels, i still gave a shit about my studies. There were moments i was too down and they just got in the way while i spaced during class but i understood the shit i was learning in class and when revision time came i pulled through. Not for any semester exams or trial exams cause they didnt count, but for the things that counted, i put in effort.

Even without much effort (didn't touch my past year book and sold it off empty), i managed to get the results i needed to get into this university, 7th ranking in the UK for chemical engineering. (even though i got into the 2nd ranking one)

But that is not the point. The point is, i struggled. When i had work overload, i panicked. I sat in bed in the covers rocking back and forth struggling to get the knowledge in my head the night before while my dear friends texted to support me even though i brought it upon myself with procrastination.

In exams, I rushed with time, I struggled to finish, I flipped pages insanely, I filled every blank spot.

In high school it was the same. I won the best overall student award in academics and cocurricular activities in my school. I had leadership qualities, sociable skills and the brains.

In primary school it was the same. I hogged first position all year in primary 6 for all semesters. I won best student overall in that school too.

Look at me now. My failure does not really get to me anymore because i am just too used to how it feels. What gets to me is the fact that i am no longer trying.

Today while sitting for the paper, i just sat there, taking my time, reading the question once, attempting it once, failing to do it once, and sat around shading the diagram for fun for the rest of the 20minutes of my time.

During the design paper, people were rushing for time attempting the question while i was sitting there writing a note at the back of my paper to my lecturer mentioning how sorry i am that i was totally blank and i never made effort to approach him for help simply because i am usually too blank i don't even know where to begin.

Last few nights during my revision, i just sat on this chair. I just flipped through my book as though flipping a storybook. I just read minimal and went to bed.

Even my body agrees that i am not pushing hard enough. My period came right on time when it usually comes late during exam periods or even doesn't come at all.

If this attitude keeps up, how will i redeem myself when it becomes a habit?

It is true that i am feeling unsettled in my life here because of my academics.

Now sarah jane, do you really want to be a chemical engineer?

If i switch courses, what if i suck too? What really is the problem? Is it interest? Is it pure laziness? Is it the lack of confidence?

Where did all my brains go?

Where did perky bubbly sarah go? The girl who chases after little babies with a grin? The girl who climbs around on monkey bars?

Why are my new friends calling me sensitive and quiet?

Where did my sociability go? The girl who waves freakishly to every acquaintance while my friends shy away embarrassed? The girl who talks to random strangers and listens to old stranger aunties stories about their kids in a random queue?

I am losing myself, as i have many times before.

I guess this is all part of life.

And yes, i have an appointment with a counsellor tomorrow to discuss my issues in case you're thinking, man this girl needs help.

If it takes a buzzilion miles and a buzzilion ways to return to my optimum self then God help me i. will. do. it.

Because i deserve it.

Far enough to be lost

Grace i miss you.

Where will i find somebody like you to be here for everything i am.

Life sucks without you here.

SSSSSSSSucky

Man i suck at fifa.

Everytime i want to work the player, the ball moves so darn quickly to another player ok =.=

Everytime to prevent the other team from scoring i do pathetic things like kick far far far away to where nobody is ok =.=

Oh, i suck at engineering design too.

Almost forgot that one! =S

Oh yes, and my exam is tomorrow.

Instead of my usual happy camwhore pics this is a sad camwhore pic.

Can you see the huge resemblance?

JellyBelly

Why do guys have sensitive belly buttons?

lalallalalla this late night studying drives me a lil cuckoo.

Why do people like avatar, when it seemed too obvious like a battle against the People and the humans were totally losing sight of what they were after (please do enlighten me again what is was about) as the entire ending depicted more violence than needed.

It was so inhumane that it didn't make much sense anymore when the beginning was way more sensible.

Why do people like avatar more than sherlock holmes. I think that dude is da bomb. Awesome movie.

I am going to flop tomorrow's chem. Mom calls it flop instead of flunk. She is too cute sometimes.

Oh i miss mom. Oh sometimes i just sit here thinking about my home and the quirky little characteristics that makes home, home and realise i give tons of excuses for trying to make-do with my new home when it lacks a lot of charisma, a lot of brightness and a lot of strength and support.

Ah well can only be grateful i don't have it worse, remembering the beautiful people i have come across here who are willing to be the gleaming star in the midst of my occasional turmoil. How wonderful their hearts are to care and to believe.

At the end of it all what it comes down to is ..

i freaking need to shut up and bury my head in this chemistry shit! So long world, won't be long before my demise, but i assure you, i shall reincarnate,,!! only with energy fueled for more self-destruction but thankfully with a longer hiatus in between for a slight breath of air.

I can totally do this because all it requires is acceptance, nil expectation, and imperviousness to failure.

What a change for me, but change is good. If it was made for ugliness, then the epitome of ugliness shall i become! For only through the fall are we scarred enough to curb the next, minimising the probability of its imminence.

Speaking of mom, and of scars, I have a tiny scar on my wrist from the time i cut apples for mommy. Never stopped treasuring it because 40 years from now, it will be the strong memory i hold on to in gratitude that i actually did hurt doing something beautiful for her, as she has done practically all her life.

Enough sage words for a night/morning.

Bless me world for i shall march on.

The Formula

I have 4 modules of exam.

Which by how today turned out to be, makes me believe the validity of one simple thing:

SJ = Emo^4

Please use this formula for further calculations.

Bday Bliss

Just some birthday wishes to a couple of my friends!

Happy birthday pol!

Thanks for being there to talk to me when i was troubled, especially the times i talked to you about being scared to come overseas to study :) Really appreciate having someone to lend an ear and really miss your warm hugs! Miss all the funny jokes too! Mohammad nenen bin pepet for example HAHAHA

Have a beautiful birthday and may God continually bless you for everything that you are.

Happy Belated birthday Cat! I know this is quite late but i haven't forgotten you. Sorry xda gambar lain but xpa la you look so comel here XD I remember a lot of fun times we had together, like the time i took someone else's ice cream receipt so i could put it into the StJoe box so our school could win and you and pol call me pencuri all day and i felt guilty like shit XD CALI BAH

Keep in touch girl, really miss you, hope things are good there esp with your ahem. HEHE

Also, Happy Belated Birthday to sweet Caro! Only met you just before we came to manchester and we haven't spent that much time together apart from lectures (though you always sit far away!). Sob. I think it's cause weston is damn far from Dalton Ellis :( Anyway hope you had a good birthday. Sorry i was so sick during that time and couldn't join in for any meals with yee ching too. May God equip you with everything you need for the coming year to face all the trials living overseas. Remember that i am here if you ever need a friend!

PS: Good luck for transport phenomena tmw!

:D

Much love,

SJ

This is my new exam chant XD

Push the tempo, stop comparing, for when <--- *cough pessimist cough* IF screwed, everything is unscrewable.

To unscrew, more effort when there is more time (not at current time).

To each her own, this is her life, her future.

This was her struggle, her victory.

Live, love, work, desire.

There will always x3 be better days.

Smile. Move the effing on.

Do NOT break down. *repeats teraloads of times*

Safe in God

An understanding God, an understanding family.

What more can a girl ask for?

:) with everything that's been going on lately, i can't help but feel touched at how people react in accordance to their faith be it on facebook, web pages, blogs. It is beyond wonderful.

All the people in the synagogue were furious when they heard this. They got up, drove Jesus out of the town, and took him to the brow of the hill on which the town was built, in order to throw him down the cliff.

But he walked right through the crowd and went on his way.

-Luke 4:28-30

***

At this, they picked up stones to stone him,

but Jesus hid himself, slipping away from the temple grounds.

-John 8:59

Jesus, let me never be parted from you. Let us all walk as You did in humility, forgiveness and LOVE

The Mission Dream

Ok, because i am taking a break from studying (everyday is a break what can i say!) i am gonna talk about my cool mission dream. And by dream i mean literal dream, not the dream that means yknow ambition, lifelong purpose or whatever.

This mission dream is really worth talking about lol cause i had the same dream ONE time in TWO different years. That's right, once in 2008 and once in 2009. The dream was not really THE same but it was a continuation.

How can i tell? Because on the 2008 MD (mission dream), I was an accomplice and on the 2009 MD, i was the one on the mission :D

The dream depicts the story of sarah jane all alone on a wondrous mission for the satisfaction of completing the mission! lol and no other purpose XD

Anyway i am just gonna describe the 2009 MD cause that's the cooler one since i am the boss :D

What i remember was that i passed the semi-final round faster than my opponent, slicing up a building. I don't remember exactly how i sliced it up, it was probably using a sword of some sort XD

The final round was the hardest. It was the round where i enter a mansion, go up one floor and grab a set of instructions on the table. These instructions are in order and i have to fulfill them. I remember vaguely what they were, play 'the dukes song' on the piano, play as beethoven did to cast a serenading spell.

Next, the maid will attack you, mutilate her.

Next, enter the lift, ask the butler when the maid will lay with him.

Next, kill the butler.

That's all i can remember lol (need more memory supplement pills xD) but i am pretty sure there were more.

There are 5 floors to complete. The final instruction is to return to the table and place the paper containing the instructions back to its original position. After finishing the mission, I would need to walk out of the mansion in a glacial pace while the place self-destructs with bombs activated timed in accordance to my every task.

In the 2009 MD I was seriously reading those instructions and ready to get started. BUT THEN!!!!!

I WOKE UP!

ARGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHG probably because i have a really kind conscience.

Now in 2008 MD I watched, but i didn't watch everything as i was aiding the missioner. And in 2009 MD I was about to do it. So what's next for 2010? ;) COME ON COME ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN lol but anyway just to make things clear i am not that violent in real life, I love people, love animals, love God, love you and love the environment wth XD

For more detailed dreams for those who have nothing better to do and are thinking why the heck not!, click me and click me

Optimist Phail

FROM NOW ON i hereby declare that SJCCN WILL AND I REPEAT WILLLLL be positive at ALL COSTS. TILL THE 27th? 26th? EXAMS ARE OVER.

And this attitude adjustment might just linger long enough to last forever. Hah. Funny.

Dreamt about my friends betraying me by stealing my book and giving it to an assembly of people who threw fitnah against me? wild imagination much? Well i never needed that book anyway.

Woke up to the sound of my ringtone turned eerie and out of tune? Well i am not living in a haunted house anyway.

Have not studied? Well i am not MEANT TO STUDY ANYWAY (ill think of something later ANYWAY!)

Freaking doomed for this exam? Well i am not literally dead anyway.

No rice left for dinner? Well i can lose weight anyway.

Too cold? Well at least i don't get dark anyway.

Sien of life? Well at least i am not suicidal, anyway.

Think this is lala? Well you're not the boss of me anyway :P

edited : Sigh bought this green bean soy drink 6 packets cause the packaging looked cute with green polka dots but it sucks like shiet except maybe the first sip due to my excitement lol? Well it can suck all the shit outta me anyway!

Doesn't make any sense anymore, anyway! (die die must have anyway at the end)

I suck as an optimist =/

...anyway.

Hehe.

For the 4968436737.47 th time,

would i be more productive studying a different course?

Quarter Versus One

It is often believed that when one were to have undergone any past experience leaving oneself pining for another chance to relive it over in a better way, one finds it hard to accept one's actions. And when one does confide in someone, it takes away half the memory and when the person confided in accepts it gracefully it then takes away another quarter of the memory. After all, we all make mistakes.

What happens to the other quarter of the memory though is up to oneself and often at times i tend to realise the memory is forgotten and somehow converted into a lesson. Cliche, totally cliche but yea, kind of true. We all need to learn from them and in turn not repeat them. That is exactly how our mommys taught us to be.

Somewhere along those lines though, i realise that these lessons build up over a person's rational mind. It gets weaved into reasons to avoid shameful manners. It becomes the reason insatiable desires are no longer insatiable but ignored for fear of overly conspicuous effects that a person may end up indulging in or losing oneself to.

It is totally cool that way because then people learn not to break through against morals, refraining from doing things his or her friends would respond OMG or WTF to.

Sadly though, i have never really been one of those people.

Would i rather be well-known as one who's bloody awesome at something questionable or would i rather be well-known as one who's bloody awesome at everything good?

Former, without a doubt. Cause then i'd know the miles i'd travel brainwashed in my doings and the lengths or time i'd take to return to my original position. Who knows, maybe i'd end up in a place more beautiful than the start :) and from there i might just achieve the latter.

Who needs one when you can have both!

Hmm i learnt this because i seem to hold an attraction to weird things. People who aren't really like me, things that i said i'd never look into, actions i said i'd never do. Of course there are boundaries. Most of the time, the things i do that wow me relate to that single memory.

What's totally awesome about this is knowing you actually manage to return. It's like a high nobody can explain.

Rather than holding on to the one quarter of the memory, keeping up with it and putting it down, why don't we just keep all of it, do it over and correct it?

HEHE *wriggles eyebrows*

Someone awesome took this picture. No, not me lol. HAHAHA although that IS me in the pic :D

Hmm sorry for being reflective today, i just felt like it wheeee. time for dinner!

PS: Fractions = totally imaginable and made up-able lol XD

When in barcelona - Days 3 & 4

Ok this is the continuation to the previous entry.

On day 3, we went to Park Guell.

Park Guell is apparently one of the hottest spots in barcelona, so much so that in every souvenir shop you would see tshirts/designs with the colourful iguana on it (you will see this later).

Cactus?

To get up park guell, we had to hike abit. I thought it was terrible LOL because 1, i was still feverish and 2, i haven't been exercising since them band days!

I was huffing and puffing up the steep hill and was so damn thankful when i saw escalators halfway.

Beautiful slants

They are uniform throughout the walkways

it had a cavelike/limestone feel to it and this was one of the cool bowls jutting out of the side walls.

this was the pretty balcony thing

the view from the balcony

there were holes on these balconies

see the lion's head there? apparently those holes from the inner sides lead out the lion's mouth for when water accumulates

more beautiful structure

ceiling designs

the ambience was awesome here as there was a guitar player getting it on to spanish music. Have i told you how big a role music plays sometimes!

seems really spanish somehow lol the tree

similar colourful stuff

this is the famous iguana!

head of a doglike creature?

gingerbreadmans house! lol

more music :) harpist! there is a video at the most bottom

After the park we went for another meal and had more paella!

this time it's noodle paela!

and squid ink paela! wtf quite gross right but apparently edible. reminded me of err the snail thing you suck and your tongue gets filled with snail juice erghhh

next we went on to find the jetty area and look what we bumped into!

kedai kuala lumpur! in spain! err ok, weird muchhhhhhh, it was a normal clothing store! they must think the name sounds really cool and all

we then found this cool monument and snapped some shots

i think it was a historical monument, something to do with err someone pointing somewhere and leading the peoples err somewhere for more information ask boon XD

sexy

yea see the side dude, he's the one pointing.

more lion

anyway it was raining quite heavily so we decided to find the jetty some other time because pics would look ugly in rain

we found the market though

choc!

this is teatre del liceu XD it is a famous barcelona theatre

oh next part is damn cool! especially for all ye gangsters! JEJENG!

knives

swords

helmets

GUNS! We just walked into a store and tadaaaa guns. seira was afraid to take pictures for fear we would be shot outta nowhere *touch wood

look at that huge knife SWT

rifles

shield

alcohol

next, we went to have spanish dessert!

this is apparently one of them

these 2 are normal desserts, there was another one that was also a so-called spanish dessert. damn yummy :)

After that we went to explore a lil more by walking down the street el gotic.

oh look the nativity! :D

and they all came to pay homage to the new born king :) :) :)

was really happy to see this as it was nearing christmas and i wasnt really feeling the christmas spirit yet

pretty random buildings in the night time

next we somehow found ourselves in a toy shop!

awwww this looks like brooke's doll house in OTH!

ima SO buy this for my baby girl next time! there were soooo many awesome toys. Cannot find it msia!

We then walked on and found Cathedral La Seu. It is a beautiful roman catholic church. :)

This was where i saw an orlando bloom lookalike which i swear made my heart stop beating for a moment or 2. dramatiknye~ hahaha but then i didn't take pics cause i was shy DUH

inside the cathedral there were SO many of these sacred spaces for saints :) there were tons but i only took pics of 3 of them because they were all behind some protector bars and it was hard taking pics.

apparently some of the saints bodies are kept here, those that never rot :)

simply beautiful

Oh yes there was a service going on inside and i went in to sit down for a while. I felt so much love and comfort in my heart at the time, i just couldn't explain it :)

I do get these emotions once in a while but not always. And when i do, i just feel like staying in church all day, not talking to anyone but God. you guys ever get these feelings?

mama mary :)

on the 4th day, we were up and ready for somemore wheeee!

we always say we'd get up at 8.30am but end up leaving the apartment at 11am XD wanhui, boon, eejane, seira, me and arthur, in ascending order of laziness(wakes up latest) XD See i'm not that bad! But boon always wakes me up by dragging his feet against the floor and singing DUDUDU EVERY MORNING I SWEAR he is the best wake-up-er in the world lol

and somehow he likes to bully me! because when i ter-open my eyes he would announce SARAH JANE IS AWAKE! wtf like he won the nobel prize or something XD

on this fine morning we decided to do some hardcore shopping/windowshopping down passeig de gracia. These streets are high-end streets with branded merchandise.

oh the feminist in me just wants to wake this woman up and tell her she's stronger than that!

more queer/artistic architecture

it's Boss. HugoBoss. *quirks eyebrow*

OH ITS LV!

soooo many gorgeous stuff in there but this caught my eye in particular! anybody wana buy a thousand over euros pair of heels for me? Aren't they just gorgeous! Didn't dare to take more pics for fear they come up with some "once pic taken considered sold" rule

another pretty building

We did do some brief shopping at spanish branded stores Zara Mng , a few others like burberry nike etc but yea i was in my fat phase and noh shopping is not advisable during fat phases for fear of bruises in self esteem. But cheers to my friends who bought their clothes though! Awesome. I really liked this one brand with the teddy bear on it! anybody know what's it called? i forgot. damn cute one but price not that cute *cough

oh hello sir would you like the integral 5 cereales? No? how about the differential 5 cereales OK FINE, LAME =.=

how about some bikini! hahaha

my food. bratwurst

pizza. arthur likes to complain that the pizza flavours are really limited

another cool building

antiques by the streets

oh yea seira heard that if you were to drink the water of these random water dispensers your wish would come true!

so i did! Bloody cold water! It'd better make my wish come true!

at night we found the jetty. The beach was apparently nearby but the weather wasn't so promising.

aww pretty!

this is the museu d'historia de ca***** XD LOL kidding i know this one! Catalunya! *feels pro*

smiles and shines

flag

random tree?

Then we ate nearby for the seafood!

yum this was awesomely fresh

more spanish food! Some unknown name thingie which was yummy.

This too!

Their bread are usually quite hard

more paela

yummy dessert :)

us!

Then we went back to the street where our apartment was.

Oh yes i'd like to say that at this point i realised that barcelona is the city of love :)

It truly is. In the night time people kiss everywhere on random streets and their acts of love are beautified by the fountains, beautiful lights and the wonderful chatters along the streets which seem to just complement acceptance to how love is so natural and welcomed :)

I love barcelona for this.

Actually i also love manchester lol cause kissing someone is sooooo normal and nobody stares!

HAH! if people kiss in malaysia habis sudah kena tangkap guard (esp in KL), in miri, everyone just stares and goes EEYER XD

this really took my breath away.

beautiful street lights

lighted trees

us

nothing better than a nice trip with loving people to spend it with :):):)

I really appreciated my friends in this trip because they were constantly caring about my sickness and very interested in my life lol (this includes lovelife) and they like to ask my opinion on fashion! thanks guys for your care *sniff*.

I bought this as a souvenir! KAWAII!

I bought this zara dress for a stunning price. Zara is a spanish brand so there are special prices. Sorry you have to feel the pregnant sorta gan jue XD

this was when the weight loss came in a lil more, can you tell! :) and oh those shoes are broken btw, the heel. seriously when am i ever gonna be rajin enough to get out of my room and shop! all my shoes are dying now and i still haven't gone to buy new ones.

The trick to money saving is BAD HORRIBLE COLD WEATHER. for me lah.

oh yea and the video of the harpist just so you can feel the spanish mood! When am i ever gona learn not to take vertical videos =.="

Ok i really have to get going and buckle up with my studies. I am SO LAST MINUTE ARGH even worse than in A2. I need your prayers people, mwaks, thanks a lot and for non-believers, please wish me luck! hahaha i know this because my best friend is a nonbeliever and he would never pray for me XD

jack i miss you when are you gona talk to me ha! My exam coming edi lor 19jan don't forget to wish me luck ok!

overall, the 3rd and 4th day spent in barcelona made me appreciate barcelona even more for its peace (in terms of religion) and for its openness to love. Not just love between men and women but love between family members. This love was portrayed in various ways not that visible to the eye but felt deeper in the heart. I don't know how to put it any better but spain is definitely full of sweetness and romance.

Love you barcelona! Hope you love me too! Ha! XD

xx

sj