All or Nothing

Aligning stars that you wait for

Always know if you're holding back

Don't slow yourself down anymore

We watch the days fly

While all the years try

Telling us something

Don't waste a whole life

On just a half try

It's all or nothing

Cold  s p a r k s  are seconds from burn out

Everyone has an hour glass

To turn back upside down

We watch the days fly

While all the years try

Telling us something

Don't waste a whole life

On just a half try

It's all or nothing

Party...Partly

This is a story of sarah jane attending a party.

except instead of partying like what people do at parties, sarah jane did not party.

this is sarah jane dressed up ready to party. she had been mourning a lot the past two weeks and decided it was time to get out and dance her boogies away!

these are her beautiful partners in crime :)

they are not just beautiful they are amazing and have been her source of comfort while she had been mourning post-breakup especially in italy when they had to speak to her before she went to sleep and uh practically everyday, along with kaykayhunnybunny who is not in this picture

this is their nice housemate RY who came along

this is a nice picture of the girls of the night... before things got ugly lololol

upon entering the club everything was fine and dandy and they all danced their booties away in happiness and laughter! 

thereafter, came somebody who decided it was "cool" to  get his jiggy on with em girls

iz all cool iz all cool nice to meet you, but this person decided it'd be cool to get all touchy feely with sarah jane as though she was his girl or something insane like that and decided to cradle her in his arms 

she was cool at first but then he decided it was not enough to have her in his arms he had to feel about too

good grief, she thought, what an indecent monster. indeed i shall sing to his face the "disrespectful" in the song "sexy bitch" along with akon, she thought. she sang loudly and shot monster a glance of annoyance but all monster did was smile cheesily. she couldn't take the movement of his hands so she broke out of his grasp and stalked away. she needed some air.

things were a blur. she wasn't sure if it was her shit shaky emotions or the alcohol or the stench of desperation but she decided to walk upstairs to sit and get some air. 

she didn't know where her friends were because they got lost among the crowd. she decided to wait a little while and join them downstairs after gaining composure. she sat on an empty couch. there was another person sitting nearby waiting for someone. he came by, spoke to her and asked for a dance to which she refused asking instead for a conversation. he was sweet and spoke to her for quite a long time and appeared to be thoughtful. but because she refused his request to dance multiple times, the alcohol in him started to show when he asked whether or not she was there to get laid. what the fuck, she thought.

she said no and got up to leave. he tried to explain that wasn't what he meant but she paid no heed. she walked straight out but forgot her coat. she went back in and he was there coming after her. she shot him an expression of distaste and ran downstairs. she had to get out. she was desperate for a warm cup of hot chocolate and a place she could call home. everything was a blur. everything was a blur. she knew this was reality in any club, she knew it. but things were different now. she no longer had the protector she once had for two long years. physical protector, not so much, but a mental guardian of her every strand of thought.

the atmosphere buzzed with loud laughter, magnified; with expressions of debauchery so clear to her now to be screaming for attention in relief of pain, taunting her struggle with loss. the stakes have changed. the stakes have changed. it hit her hard that her life had to be paved based on her decisions and her decisions alone. from here on, this was it sarah jane. 

you hold in your very hands the illusory crystal ball containing the every possibility your life could entail, she thought. no one to clean up your mess should the fates be shaken to reveal an endless chain of undesirable events. she snapped. 

she grabbed her coat and hailed a cab. cab driver drove her home. she gave him a ridiculous amount and told him to keep the change for her gratitude. he said thank you when he was to be thanked. she stumbled home in her heels. her friends were asking all about her via cell. her cell was blowing up. she should have told them she wasn't okay she knew, but she just had to get out, she had to. she was okay, she was safe. she was home, in her shower, scrubbing off traces of indecency; in her bed, alone and comforted. she was thankful.

she does not blame the monsters for their monstrosity (well not completely anyway) because being intoxicated may stimulate penile intrusion messing with rational heads turning them into penis monsters wtf 

she was however, utterly turned off.

for fuck's sake even barney stinson is about to marry quin (no pun intended) and tony stark the womanizer has his heart devoted to ms potts.

she doesn't blame the level of notoriety because it is to be expected. it was her own emotions and her own mind that weren't handling of the situation

and that is precisely why sarah jane has decided to retire from partying.

temporarily.

until further notice :p

until she believes it's safe to be naive again :p

(but don't keep her to her word for too long) *miley cyrus's can't be tamed plays* lol wtf

and this, is the story of the party that was only partly.

the world reduces itself to so little when it finds itself in brokenness

but no, be bigger than your body, bigger than your mind; for beneath the rubble is a heart that prompts you to.

in the meantime, she sings to herself in showers and lives, grateful for everything else in life. friends, family, everything and anything beautiful revealing itself in tiny packages :) everything that believes and soothes, everything that stays. 

she hopes you Are happy Too.

xx

Sarah Jane

Nerd

HEY! Haven't been blogging because i have been INCREDIBLY busy with uni work. swamped i tell ya, and to think i'm only in first year where the marks don't even count for my final degree. that's law school for you!

Just random pics of what i have been up to !

my coursemate ryan's aussie-themed birthday! we had like face paint on our faces (yellow and green) aussie colours! and my top was white+yellow+green and i had UGGs ON! :D

a random picture of me gazing upon a flower hahaha taken by Kay

protest in front of BBC against the government in libya :) all the way here in manchester!

oh yes, baby and i went for our celebratory dinner epic phail lol

it was meant to be for celebrating both of our good results but we couldn't decide who should pay since we both got good results (though his is better than mine lol because he got first class and i got ONE WHOLE BAND LOWER SOBS SOBS) but we paid for each other HAHAHA and it was epic phail because i had a damn long and tiring day and he had a headache. and i was feeling hot due to some pms thing and it was sucky lol

we had spanish tapas and the tapas were really yummy

ate so quickly till i didn't have any space left for..

the large paella! baby always overorders. he does this all the time even when i point out it's too much sometimes lol

baby looking like a hippo HEHE. btw if you look at his left arm (right arm in the pic), you can see his birthmark :)

so after that long night lol we went back and went to sleep straightaway AHAHAH celebration fail. remind me never to go out again when i'm really tired!

seminars have got me working till the wee hours of 4 in the morning. and i've started typing my seminar answers because typing is way faster than writing although writing feels more effective for me in remembering what i need to say and present the next day.

KTHXBYE shows my SIEN-ness of work.

workload is keeeeling me honestly.

lastly a pic of me looking youthful v(^^)v and not to mention roundddd. in my comfy oversized tommy hilfiger sweater. very nice comfy and warm :)

That is all i've been up to really, been too tired to do anything else other than NERD away like a sad sad sad very sad person. lol

i said i was trying to change my laziness and i have been working hard(er) but just recently i've gotten too unmotivated to do anything and i really REALLY miss being me.

for today's seminar, i just couldn't be arsed and researched everything the night before. it felt really liberating knowing that i spent my weekend doing nothing/doing fun things. i mean, imagine if you study so hard you never have any time in between to have fun! when are you EVER gonna have fun. i'm young and thriving for f's sake lol!

there's always an upside to returning to how you originally are! i have to say change is DAMN hard but i'm trying nonetheless. i used to NOT read/research at all for seminar last semester and just google the answers real quickly lol but this semester i'm trying to read the book LOL. but relapsing is still the most joyful thing in the world though :)

hope you guys are doing well. because my life is so boring atm there really is nothing substantial for me to say apart from maybe GO AND NERD LIKE ME!

hahahaha. i am finally a good influence to all my readers and you are very welcome LOL

xoxo

Inversely proportional

Tell me why i should work hard when my essay marks are like F***.

tell me why. TELL ME! tell me why i get higher marks when i study less and use more google!

omg i am in a dilemma because my marks are inversely proportionate to the amount i study.

i hate this! i hate that i'm trying but the more i try the more i PHAIL!

is this a sign that i should slack?

is this a sign that i am designed to always come up with sneaky ways, ie, google, wikipedia, or random law blogs to achieve a desired result.

i swear, for one of the law questions in the exam, i did not even READ the chapter in the book and i got a first class, whereas for a question that i read TWICE + made notes, i got a lower second. wtfbbq does anyone face this problem?!

Be My Valentine Housemate

I just did something impulsive!

I just applied to a new accommodation hall for next year, and it's actually the hall i hate because the lights are dim and the shower is screwed up. But it's the only ensuite that's actually near the city.

Had plans for moving into my own apartment but lo and behold, i can't find anyone without prior plans of moving in with someone else to move in with me!

Matt is going to be nearby in the same place but different apartment so it would be ideal for me to stay there.

But i can't find a housemate!

Iz truez.

I am loneleh.

So sue me.

And i'll sue you right back ;)

PS Anyone reading this who's interested in staying with ze Sarah Jane text me asap. Cost is 100pounds per week excluding bills. Will let you know of location when you text me. If this works out my uni accommodation shall be my backup plan.

Requirements :

Female

Someone i know

Pretty

**Loves me :)

**= essential

Exclusion clause lol : i will not be held liable in the event i reject your acceptance as my advert is a mere invitation to treat and not an offer.

NB : don't worry everyone is pretty in their own way. don't have such low self esteem ;)

xx

SarahJane the stripeless zebra

I am going psycho over exams. Exams in 1 day.

1 DAY

zomgoatwtfbbqchickenandpigs!

I am only going to aim for a pass. for, a, pass. who better to aim for a pass than me considering the circumstances.

Please include me in your prayers. TQ i love you i will always be thankful to you lol

bye~

t = E/P

rant!

i got home from lecture today and realised i have tons of work ahead. 4 essays due within the period of 2 weeks and seminar spams on each week :( omg this is the end of me.

today we learned about the lisbon treaty and it is so funny that before this i didn't even know lisbon was a city, i thought it was a type of pancake LOL as on the menu at pancake house kl sigh

ok no more playplay sarahjane no more clubbing no more parties no more blogging/facebooking no more excessive long hours at meals no more shopping no more wasting time away at starbucks

from now on its work and no play lol and i'm dragging matt with me because he has lots of work too probably twice as much as i do =/

but it's yoshi's birthday coming up! dou sureba ii de shou ka? :(

uni life is tough but then again working life is tougher and i was just telling matt the other day that there IS no other time to have fun for the rest of our lives except for the gaps in between our schedules unless of course i resort to becoming a housewife, i'm telling you, plan z has never looked so appealing !

i was asking joan for study tips and she told me that

time management is in actual fact energy management -joan lee

but to me time management is in actual fact the management of the quotient of your energy over your willpower, as when your ability of working is divided amongst the rate of work you willingly performed only then shall you be able to fully decide the time in which you manage.

i aint never losing the engineer in me huh :(

kthxbai

The Angel Wears Valentino

I hate it when people gossip about me!

So what if my high heels clatter against the tiled floor. Do you really have to gossip about it?

About the way i dress. The way i do things right.

You know you want to be me!

I feel so annoyed! ARGHHHH fckg sien to the max!

Nobody has the RIGHT to make comments about high heels unless they are Anne Hathaway from The Devil Wears Prada. And we all know she learned her lesson.

Why must you diss me in a language i do not understand? Do you think you have an advantage over me with your language? Don't undermine my IQ. It has read your body language countless of times and knows every single one of your gossips.

I really don't mind all the BIN OH OH / 脸黑黑 towards me, or the CCB looks at me but to speak against me when i'm the only chinese one?

Do you know that my own father who is not your race can speak the language you speak?

Do you know that the reason he can speak your language is because most people of my race were richer in the past and didn't want to befriend him because he was poor?

Do you know that he had to start tapping rubber in the jungle at the age of 4 to help with family finances?

Because of his upbringing, do you know that he raised me to respect and care for everyone and anyone?

Do you know that he has worked so bloody hard to cater for his family till we are where we are today?

So why are you so critical of my shoes?? and my BEING?

You can work just as hard and earn just as much, if you only cared about your savings and career more than the amount of chemicals on your hair.

You can earn just as much, if you only had a better mindset and respected people of all races and statuses.

I have done everything in my power to be nice to you.

I know i am young, but i have always believed that people get classier with age.

But i guess i was wrong.

And you taught me that.

One of the most sour realities of the world.

*slaps self for being so emo*

Your jealousy is so not worth my time! ! !

kthxbai

我还高兴因为我就是我。 我是谢征妮 :)

PS: wahlau eh, didn't realise my 征 is "zheng" until i typed it out in chinese just now HAHAHA.. i thought it was zhen! and for all these years XD

Bee for Beetle

Omg something scary happened to me the day before yesterday!

I had just gotten outta the shower with wet hair and i was in my towel when i heard a buzzing sound in my room. I saw a huge insect of some sort so naturally i ran out because i am scared to death of bees. The last time i got stung i was sitting for a history exam in high school when i felt something hit my back. I thought it was some stupid classmate throwing papers at me to ask for answers so i grabbed the thing to read it and the damned bee STUNG MY HAND, it swelled up so big i looked like the crossbreed of humanbody-pighand and was rushed to the hospital =.=

I couldn't write for weeks. Gee thanks a lot classmates who always ask for answers, you really gave me false instincts.

Anyway i ran out of the room but to my horror the damned insect flew and got stuck in my tangled, wet, hair! I turned round and round trying to make it fly off but it stopped sounding and i didn't feel any pain so i thought it was gone, but just to make sure, i went out to ask my bro mark if there was something there.

And he said "yes, insect". OMG i screamed and tried to move every bit of my hair and my finger subtly touched the insect so i screamed all the more louder.

At that instant, my entire life flashed before my very eyes. What happens to people when bees sting their heads? Do they swell up and get brain tumour? omg who is gonna be the mother to my babies? Who is gonna teach them the ABCs and 123s! (even though i am not a mother yet, but really, my life is all about my non-existent kids which is why i'm very happy matt has double eyelids because now they have a chance of obtaining the gene)

I screamed and asked mark, IS IT A BEE IS IT A BEE! And he said "no?" wtf but how can i trust his judgment when i can't see for myself. Then mark made the smartest statement ever "Go and wash it off in the shower!"

So i ran as fast as my feet could take me and washed my hair all over but when i felt the same spot, i still felt the bug OMG DAMN STUBBORN! so i used another towel to scrape the bug off my hair (why am i so brave) and was so glad when i saw the residues of its body parts all crushed and disoriented on the towel.

and guess what, it was a beetle =.="

STUPID BEETLE. Scared the hell outta me. I took an entire shower all over again scrubbing my entire scalp vigorously. The last thing i want is that beetle laying eggs in my hair omg just saying that makes me want to puke.

Why do i always get experiences with disgusting bugs/animals! Like this time

I really think i was some disgusting bug/animal in my past life :( why couldn't i have been a fairy who wore petite dresses and flew gracefully? =*(

License to testify

I have FINALLY PASSED MY DRIVING EXAM after ages of prolonging WHEEEEE WHEEE YAHOOO HURRAHHHH ^

:D

Mind you, i have never actually failed before, but i had to have many things postponed because of terrible timing :S

I advise all 17 year olds to take their exam when they are actually 17 like early in the year or midway through the year. PLEASE! JUST TAKE IT AND GET IT OVER WITH because you never know where you're going to further your studies or how long the holidays are for.

I listened to the law talk in form 5, passed my law test at the end of form 5, went off to kl for college, and when i came back TADAA my law test was expired. So i had to redo the WHOLE THING AGAIN! including the LONG talk! yes, trust the malaysian system to allow you to stay in oblivion without contacting you. So i had to pay the entire thing all over again. After i passed the second time, i went to listen to L2B engine.

After that, i went for driving lessons. I was all set for the driving test just before i was going to go off to UK. But NO SIREE, they just had to have a SUDDEN holiday and cancel all the dates for tests WITHOUT planning and WITHOUT mentioning it to all the instructors before they set the dates for their students.

And that meant that after i came back from the uk after half a year, i had to DO DRIVING LESSONS AGAIN to refresh my memory and FINALLY pass the entire test.

I am just so glad actually that it is over because it has just been way.too.long and ive seen the same road over and over i might just build a new phobia =/

I WOULD be happier though if i would've driven in the car when it was my turn yesterday but NO SIREE, one dude had to overtake my spot and jump into the car first, all the while looking into my eyes of fury and obviously ignoring it. Sigh why do such people still exist in the world, seriously.

But it's ok. He is forgiven lol. When he returned i gave him a smile to tell him i was ok with it because i didn't want his rudeness tampering with my focus lol. Besides, i guess he was more reckless so he finished the route faster than i did, so whatever.

I will be getting my license very soon :D yahoo!

Nothing much on my side. I snipped off the split-ends at the ends of my hair. And dad bought me that prada bag from china. Let's just hope it's authentic considering it's from china.It has the real leather smell though.

Just to emphasize once again to all form5 readers, DO get your license ASAP, this da jiejie is a living victim of horrid timing and you don't ever want to be like me. Also also also, when the test car comes with your number on it, make sure you jump in it asap and not look around waiting for things to happen, or someone WILL uncannily take your spot.

And be nice to the JPJ person in the car. If possible, talk to him about football (after all it is the world cup season) and talk all about rooney and manchester united (if you are studying in manchester) but if he supports liverpool, go on gushing about how you think liverpool is awesome but do stop blabbering in the event you realise you might be on the wrong route.

Not that i was or anything.. false alarm heheh.

Positivity rant!

This is a positive rant.

At times after having a crappy time, i tend to go to sleep feeling very VERY restless. I would talk to my boyfriend for like 2 hours and then shower and then talk to my boyfriend again. But once i am sleepy, i start to just grunt sentences, not feeling any energy to complain about my pitiful life any longer T_T

i am sure you all know about the current state i am in. You can call me spoilt and a money-waster, or you can call me bold and courageous and a risk-taker, but i actually feel like neither.

this is such a self-pitiful time.

sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh i guess it's been a while since i spilled a rant~ i always seem to sound convincing about my choices, and truth be told, that's all i've been trying to do! sound! convincing! it seems to be MY LIFE'S PURPOSE these days, be it explaining to distant friends, relatives, parents' friends, the whole damned world!

Which is not too bad i guess, gotta get used to it if i want to be a lawyer.

but anyway, sometimes after not getting enough sleep, i just get up. even if i feel REALLY grumpy, i KNOW i need to get out of this wallowing!

I've seen people suffer from depression for years and i just need to get myself out before i get sucked into the whole shebang.

Life CANNOT get better if i don't get better.

I will then look in the mirror at my sad sad sorry self in the morning and just stretch my arms high and say ''positive! positive!"

I know, this is quite sad. Most people don't need to talk to themselves to be positive T_T

I cannot really explain everything i have become, but what i can say, is that sarah jane needs to come back, emerge, become beautiful again in her own way.

I have sooo many things planned for my life here, to build myself up. But sadly, every single one of it requires 1)a car and 2)$$$

Sad to say, because of my tremendous guilt, i have been living all this while with the money i have saved up in malaysia. and i have not once asked dad for any allowance.

And as for transport, my dear friend pol and grace's dear mom and dad have been helping out. Because dad and sis are out all day at work, and my mom is a mother of 4, 2 of whom are still tiny and need sending here there and everywhere and to the ends of the earth wtf XD

I wish i could help mom with the transport but i am only now starting my driving lessons after a huge debacle of finance issues with the instructor and we all know i WILL be put on probation period before mom actually trusts me with the car and with the kids in the car.

But how am i supposed to change myself if i just stay home and rot?! Do you think i LIKE staying at home rotting!

But good news is, i am set for a job in july. mom says she'll send me down super early in conjunction to the times she sends the boys down. can't wait ! can't wait !

It's really funny how i used to set my own paths in the past and i felt so comfortable with it. i feel like i just need to get away from everything and just zoom in focus on myself alone and my relationship with a career, a sport, a hobby, anything!

It's time to get the spice back.

No more dependence!

If i work hard enough, i'd get to save up and go to kl to see my boyfriend in the summer. :)

actually, i could just draw money out of my childhood bank account, but i'd like to keep that option closed till desperation crawls near because i've never once touched my pristine childhood bank account ;)

in fact, i hardly ever spent my chinese new year money or the money i got from associations for my good academic results. they mostly went to the childhood bank account. we'll see. it might come in handy, but ONLY in the midst of true true authentic desperation.

I am not kiamsiap ok! I am just concerned about my finances! And the money in that bank is possibly the one living proof of my sweet childhood life, all the sweat and effort. It has sentimental value :) Never spend as much as you earn.

Rollercoaster

I attended a workshop lately entitled Managing Anxiety and Panic.

Yes tell me why i result to such things =S

Anyway i definitely came out chirpier after that because i realised there were people in the workshop who have it worse than me. Honestly they were really REALLY observant towards their symptoms and have obviously given it a lot of thought. They were in serious deep discussion while i was just quiet thinking that there was too much thinking in the room.

And to think people say i over think.

We were given a task to talk to the person next to us about how we counter these problems and the guy next to me said he takes it all out on alcohol and he takes walks to random places. I told him i talk to one or two close friends and i sleep excessively. And he said he usually can't sleep. I should be grateful i still can. Though it's probably the equivalent of not sleeping with all my terrible dreams.

Did i tell you i got another bad dream about being at a flavoured ice shaving shop and having gotten confused by how to calculate the mass of the ice shaving because the seller placed them on the bowl too quickly before i could measure the weight of the bowl which then made her place the ice shavings on another cup which then made me think about washing the bowl and drying it so i could weigh it so that i could later weigh the ice shaving+bowl and subtract the mass of bowl. But i couldn't find a water tap =/

Sigh but i guess this beats not sleeping at all.

Honestly, i'm not trying to gain happiness out of their misery. But it's just the same like when you're feeling low and shitty and full of self pity and you decide to compare yourself to people out there who are less fortunate who are on the streets/handicapped/sick. It just somehow makes you realise that life isn't that cruel to you after all and you shouldn't be so selfish to think of your own misery all the time.

After that i skipped two days of lecture because well, i just did not feel like getting out of bed in the mornings. And i feel like i am phobic over not understanding things being taught to me. I get frantic over current deadlines too. Starting to feel like A2 taylors again but let's not dwell on that.

I went to the St Patrick's Day pub crawl where i did a shot and some random sips. and i danced around like a silly person but at the end of the day my mind just became all clouded again by this damned depression.

I wouldn't really call myself depressed but to some extent i know i am because my tutor/professor said so =/

One method the psychologist in the workshop told us to adopt is to focus out, meaning not think about these symptoms, refuse to respond to them and keep going.

which is why i am going again tonight to a club at Bijou. Rock on lol

Sigh i'm afraid to say that recently i've accumulated tissues on the chair by my bed like how i used to when i was younger(which was the only way mom knew i had been crying) because i was simply never expressive nor dependent. Sorry about that to anyone who is concerned.

But i guess i just keep hoping for better days and if life permits, i will be going somewhere this easter holiday to a place i love and feel most safe in.

Home.