First Risk, First Class.

Today, i am the happiest i have ever been in a long time.

I am graduating law school with First Class Honours, the honour of which I have for so long perceived to be "near impossible". 

Throughout my years in law school i've always been contented with a second upper average; it wasn't really a contentment rooted in complacency. it just always seemed like a given:- first class in law school was as impossible as...persuading osama not to have torn down the world trade centre.

People like myself born and raised in an environment of rigid book-reading and simple memorising, have always struggled to be freed from the clutches of second upper class to enter into the glorious realms of first class, where the fluid minds of the locals, with their expressive reasoning, gather in all their astounding brilliance.

I cannot believe i have done it.

I cannot believe i have achieved the dream i have never even dared to dream.

I cannot believe this all started three years ago, with me, a little girl, indecisive about 101 things, starting off in a different course-chemical engineering, for a year, and absolutely hating it.

I do not deny that my past in chemical engineering really took its toll on my self-esteem, denting generously what remained of my confidence in my abilities at work. 

Whilst it is true that i did indeed drop out of chemical engineering after a year in Manchester, to the painful grimaces of my parents, which further brought about a flurry of battles i had to endure to clear my name and to find my way back to a place of "routine" and "average normalcy", what many people don't know is that i managed to get into Imperial College London for engineering-the dream university of every Taylorian. I did not end up going there anyway, and i am glad i didn't.

I am stoked to now realise that chemical engineering, was not really a failure or a huge blunder, as i must've convinced myself it was for all these years, thereby feeling a shittiness about myself for as long as i did.

Looking back at it now, chemical engineering was a stepping stone, towards finding myself in a completely different path-Law School, where i clothed myself in foreign garments, where i shed the skin of the me i used to know, whacky, sciency, filled with vigour for equations, indulgent in endless   theories of physics. 

Don't get me wrong, i still do savour that side of me. In fact, i savour it so much i even miss it. 

But if you were to ask me where my heart lies, it is with society. it is with creating a channel of redress for the oppressed, to play a live role in enabling justice to be served, to the best of my ability. it is with delving into the heart of the people, dirtying myself in the loopholes of law and order, and emerging victorious for the sake of the idealistic notions i dream for the world.

Truth be told, chemical engineering was my potential, which i did not technically choose to forgo, but one which the directions of life compelled me to forgo due to my gradual lack of interest, but only for my own self-betterment.

I see it all now in a different light, an optimistic light, a colourful spectrum.

Of late, i have been questioning myself about my "niche". find your niche, they say. and as we get older, it's only natural to find ourselves immersing in the insipid task that is self-searching. Till today, i do not really know exactly where my "niche" lies, my strength, my redeeming elements.

What i do know anyway as of this moment, is that i am glad that i lack.

I'm glad that i lack the expertise of confining myself to sticking to a single niche and calling dibs on it for the rest of my life, succumbing to the thought that one can only be good at that one single thing.

I'm grateful to have ventured blindly into this unknown sphere, to explore my interests, the essence of my being. All my life, the sciences have been my strength. all my life, my ambition was "engineer", "engineer", but who's to say that you can't be good at the things you may otherwise desire?

Law school is that for me.

My law degree, is the gem that i kept suppressed, betting on myself to excel but never actually having been able to due to my own indecision, my fears and worries that i wouldn't necessarily be good at it, or that i wouldn't necessarily suffice intellectually.

It has turned out so differently, like an unexpected secret pathway around the bend.

My law degree is my joy, not to be shadowed nor belittled as the crumbling confidence of my life has lay in it throughout a time i felt so low it felt like i was digging my own grave and choosing to lie in it.

Today, i see my life outside the box, beyond the contains of that illusory tombstone. i see a round room, with possibilities in the form of echoes bouncing off each and every side of its walls in splendid curvature. 

I trust that my life decisions from here on will make sense. So that like echoes, i will reap the benefits bouncing back at me in response to the every risk i dare to take. 

I hope you believe in that too.

More than all of it i hope you believe in a God because i wouldn't be where i am today without my Big Guy who has my back, who holds my heart, and captures my mind. 

All in all, life is too short to do anything that makes you miserable, "this above all; to thine own self be true."

And lastly, a quote i find apt, from my favourite film of all time, Elizabethtown: 

"No true fiasco ever began as a quest for mere adequacy. A motto of the British Special Air Force is, those who risk...win."

So risk.

And you shall win :)

All my love,

sj

Feet In Lilac-Scented Sheets

so she climbed back into her covers, her head caressed by the soft of the pillow that for all ages it seemed had comforted her weary mind.

except tonight, her tresses creased in all the right directions. her virtue of patience albeit its common tendency for wreckage felt, magical.

not worthwhile, not rewarding, but magical.

it would be some kind of strange to imagine a contentment so fulfilling, and only appearing ever so rare, in nights such as these, as the sun crept up from the horizon.

she treasured these days and these dawns. for one, the sun was at its meekest, it showed the world a vulnerability as it revealed its mighty eyes poco a poco, knowing fully well of its power, to engulf completely the whole of mankind in the strength of its embrace, but withholding, ever so slightly each time, almost like  a whisper, "i am yours but i could dangerously be more and for now i choose to be less."

perhaps that fuelled the magic of the night. perhaps it was the many times the dawn had come of its own will to reveal to her mind the secrets and the sins of the people, the endless stories of truth and vision, at times laden with hope, others, fraught with peril.

see, she was always a soul too little to bear the extremes of either. it is true that at one point in time in her life, she had known of both, inextricably interlinked as they were, and she grew in ambivalence towards the danger of such emotions. she had known the terror of commitment, how it was always her downfall, how it made her fall deep into crack holes she never knew existed, and for as long as she did too.

but maybe she had seen it all through eyes of certainty from the day a shoot grew from its root-she probably just didn't realise it the time it mattered. she just didn't identify the pivot point from the field of random dots.  underestimating herself like she always did in deference to habit, she humbled herself as she melted into the savoury of this moment, this moment when clarity was all she knew: a telling, all-knowing surety.

precisely though, that was all she could ask for. that was all she needed to be convinced that life and love were deeper than the silly laughter and airy frivolities she had busied herself with the past years. love, was like an ocean which cliche as may be, was the only thing that she knew best.

the ocean had kept her warm and safe when she embarked on her lone travels, the ocean, she had walked straight into to uncover the mysteries of nature. the ocean she had seen her reflection reflected back upon her sight, for "whatever we lose (like a you or a me) it's always ourselves we find in the sea."

more than all of it, she saw in the ocean a depth of reckless ecosystems intermingled with the turquoise of calm every traveller inevitably sees when they paddle past seashell after seashell. more than all of it, she saw the salt of life dense and yet feather light, evaporating daily into the soft of the azure sky. more than all of it, she saw the greatness of the seas, in carrying the weights of ships and boats, people and friends, pirates and fishermen, old men, by the sea, awaiting their death.

love

it seemed enveloped in every little brief moment one could have the privilege to so grasp. it encompassed the need for a beam of hope, the endurances through the loud of silence, the braille of distance, the vulnerabilities of independence. it was all of it.

despite this revelation, she didn't yet believe whole-heartedly that she'd cracked the code. of course, circumstantial standings in her life were at constant odds with her, like they were, and have been, for most of her life. 

but she lay in her bed, refreshed by the revival of her belief in the abstract, with her feet, cuddled into her lilac-scented sheets, and eyes cast into the dark of the sky. she thought to herself then and there that "she couldn't help the feeling that she could blow through the ceiling, if she just turned and ran".

and then it hit her that she had. amid the fearful running, was the gem of courage in spreading her wings to fly, out the container and into a portal of liberation. courageous as she was, was she also, in equal magnitudes, scared to death, "but that's what courage means." she'd seen it all. she'd tasted it all. and the infinite sky hovering above the limits of that ceiling,

that, was the depth of her mind, the song in her strong, the inside in her inside out.

that, was why we swoon at the moon, laugh at these paths undertaken, gaze at the stars in the flurry of the haze, shred all layers as we mutter our prayers, jump, as high as we possibly might, in the truth of life and love and contentment. 

the brightened sky she now beheld and believed to be hers,

it was home.

And Between The Sand & Stone, Could You Make It On Your Own?

Has it been over a month since i've last updated?

OMG TIME FLIES!

i had exams and then i had a few days break before class began.

and OH

the highlight of my days has to be my solo trip to Las Palmas de Gran Canaria on the Canary Islands in Spain. 

I DID IT. I FLEW THERE AND BACK FOR A TOTAL OF 10 HOURS, STAYED 3 DAYS AND MADE IT BACK ALIVE.

people who used to call me needy and clingy and dependent on my ex can kiss my ass.

hahahaha i kid

that was not the purpose of the trip, not in the least

i have just always been wanting to do this, always. since forever really. i've wanted to travel on my own, to put myself out there, to risk my life where no one can find me; to be alone, to be independent, to marvel at the wonders of a place so unknown, the more obscure the better.

i don't know where i get all these dreams and these unusual tendencies from. i don't suppose it's THAT unusual but certainly for a bimbo like me it might be. i'm thinking maybe it was all the subliminal messages embedded in all those rock music i listened to in my adolescence haha just a random thought LOL.

oh also, it probably stems from my feminist tendencies :) which i'm sure you will agree with if you are yourself a feminist.

but regardless, i made it alive. i got lost, i figured things out, i spoke in a different language, well... uh... phrases of it, i discovered my love for communitarianism- the reliance on strangers who do not resemble me in race or colour or language. and i depended on nothing but myself, my plan and my good God whom i know was guiding me the whole time.

this is such a milestone (: this is something i will tell my kids, something i will remember for the rest of my life.

thanks to all my friends who whatsapped and facebooked me when i had wifi in the hotel. really appreciate your having faith in me and your kind thoughtfulness :)

i still embrace with disbelief that i, Sarah Jane, have done this in this lifetime. i used to have a grave fear of getting lost as a kid, very grave i even got nightmares of it. but that has now been overcome. i am giddy happy!!! 

there is nothing greater, nothing more liberating, than the feeling of knowing with certainty that you can make it on your own.

i can now safely say that i have known the meaning of freedom at its truest :)

i might update more on this when i have the time, probably with entries from my travel diary ;) but for now, just one of my favourite pictures.

"and between the sand and stone, could you make it on your own?"

xoxo

sj

The Year That Was :) NYE 2012

So it's tradition that every year i have an entry up on NYE to reflect on the year that has gone by, and this year is no exception!

here we go!

what happened to me in the year 2012!

1. Loved and lost

2. Picked myself up and found the SJ of 2007 :)

        

3. Got my first job in a foreign country and worked on my own




4. Travelled and explored, at times on my own too, in hopes of breaking free, and in gaining independence. Checked :)





5. Worked with the exciting s114A Amendment to the Evidence Act declined for review by the Malaysian Cabinet





6. Travelled to Italy with the prettiest souls




7. Rode the beautiful, ever tranquil, gondola

8. Got my driver's license! ran a couple of red lights and did a few sharp drifts on adrenaline rush *shh

       

9. Embraced my deepest past and made friends with it :)





10. Swam solo in the moonlight

  

11. Made amends with distant friendships and everyone i once cared about (and still do) :) ♥

12. Quit partying for half a year and began partying again






13. Slow-danced with a local white stranger in the most innocent sense of the phrase, to the perfect song to dance to in handling emotional damage : Drake & Rihanna's -Take Care





14. Picked up cooking! (am still a feminist, btw)

  

15. Began to visit the gym in keeping healthy and happy

16. Finally attended my first Back2School Detention party

17. Danced on tabletops! (to Gangnam Style mostly) :p

  

18. "Think we kissed but i forgot" ;)

19. Watched Kelly Clarkson LIVE and sang out loud to her angry songs about love :) also jumped about in liberation :)

20. Watched the film, Perks of Being a Wallflower, and fell in love with it

21. Rediscovered my love for obscure music





22. Consequently, dressed up as a goth for Halloween, getting in touch with my heavy metal dispositions

  

23. Received an Xmas kiss in good fun, meaningless, but thoughtful...i suppose

24. Composed Zakk Wylde's "In this river" on the piano after years of lost inspiration

25. Yet another year shared with Miss Grace Alyssa, best friend of 10 years and counting, despite years of LDF :)

PS: she's my everything

26. Went to a rave, felt like a stampede was about to erupt, but found myself protected in the arms of a kind gentlemanly stranger :)





27. Held a blind man by the hand to cross the road and received a smile from the driver of the car awaiting  ♥

28. Watched James Morrison sing LIVE; a song which felt like was written solely for me and my chemical engineering-law debacle. left me teary-eyed, of course :')

29. Attended Christmas Carols in the dark, with a lit candle in hand, and experienced God through the beauty of a poem

30. Said yes to many things I would've once said no to.




Overall, a beautiful, beautiful year.

Thanks and warmest hugs to everyone who spent 2012 with me. It wouldn't have been half the beautiful year it was without you.

and for those far far away back home out of the UK, I AM FOREVER THINKING OF YOU. PROMISE YOU THIS. 

I hope your year was just as wonderful. May 2013 be FAN-FUCKIN-TASTIC. 

and remember, YOLO :p 

All my love, sugar and spice, and everything i'm made of,

SJ.

Tell a Jerk What You Think

this, was what's been missing. i'm only twenty-two. only, twenty-two. don't grow up too fast sarah jane, only to realise that the safe comfort zone you grew accustomed to holds within it secrets so stealthy that they turn out worse, way worse, than outright recklessness.

so be reckless, be spontaneous, be everything you've always wanted to be.

you're only twenty-two once.

you only live once.

Raison d'etre (Work, Purpose and Reason)

Raison d'etre is French for "reason for existence".

Many a times we travel miles and for ages upon end in search of this reason, or this purpose which encapsulates our being placed on this earth to live the moments we personify.

In actual fact, some people go through their whole lives in the dark, not knowing a place of belonging or a sense of fulfilment.

Sometimes, it's a phase, deep long and dark

*hand shoots up!*

But as of summer 2012, I, Sarah Jane Chia, so happened to have stumbled across my RAISON D'ETRE. *deng deng deng*

where somehow the pieces of my life find RAISON to fall into place.

(wah so posh)

anyway, this as promised, is an entry of my work, and how it has granted me a sense of contentment. i have fallen in love with the law profession in a way i don't think i could have ever grown to love chemical engineering

*pumps fist* *jumps to the sky* *leaps* *triumphant smile* *chicken dance* *right choices in life*

i interned in two separate companies in two countries (leaving it at that for privacy purposes as it's an emerging tort LOL) (lawyer inside info)

anyway, i discovered different areas of the profession, and i have grown a spark or two for the areas i might want to practise in.

I discovered that i have a knack for the profession because i love how i can channel my effort and hard work into playing my part in contributing to the regulation of society.

i love how the job of a lawyer involves a little bit of this of that, economics, business, marketing, literature, social welfare, anything and everything related to the interaction and analysis of the human person.

throw in a pinch or two of psychological and sociological aspects in juggling emotion, and we're good to go. that's law for you. that is the secret, the sugar and spice, the key to what is the law.

over the years, i have discovered that i am ever an idealist, i seek to live and to help let live, through the passageway to idealism. i love everything dreamy, wonderful, beautiful and ethical. we all know it's never that straightforward though, things often appear cloudy, grey, such that the idealist may often appear the antagonist amid various liberal views of the realist, and more so concerning issues of great controversy.

it's difficult, to be a person of intellect and opinion in society, which is precisely why i am not :p

but deep in my core, i know, what it is i would ultimately strive for, in the little ways that i can.

to maintain this balance of feeling contentment in the minimal, i explored areas of the law this summer 2012 that would not require so much emotional intervention. i dealt with contractual agreements to do with real estate, housing developments. i also dealt with issues in relation to shares in a company, in regulating the rights and obligations of directors and shareholders. although seemingly mundane to some, i thoroughly enjoyed the ways in which i could contribute to this idea of the "human person" devised in my head, by carrying out the formalities inevitably required in, for example, putting a roof over a client's head, in providing him/her a home..

..where blessings flow and families flourish (the view of the idealist)

and in the case of companies, how an eye for detail, as meticulous as they can be, actually proves invaluable for the growth of companies and its ever-proliferating impact on the global economy.

i appreciate how things at first glance appear trivial, and structured (possibly even verging on rigidity) when they are indeed ever so significant.

i also explored the areas of intellectual property, intangible property, rights under trademark law and copyright law. interestingly, i fell in love with the overlap between the rights of an author, and privacy law/communications law. i managed to get down and dirty with the highly contentious act recently passed in parliament and declined for amendment by the cabinet.

it is exhilarating, how the law remains to be the common parent accommodating for the various streams of specific areas relevant to the individual, and to society at large.

so for this year and the last, i have learnt so much about myself such that i know now what it is i can take, and what is it i may have to turn down. as of last year i learnt that i can be frail, and be emotionally attached to a family bringing their dispute to court.

i could imagine the pain emitting from the many tears in discussion of custody, get lost in large implications of adoption, and feel the confusion in a little boy's eyes as he watched his parents divorce in court. i could even think of john mayer's "daughters" at the very instant, because that is the extent to which my mind processes emotional downturn.

i have known the circumstances through which i may tear up (like a baby, although not as careless and as blatant lol, more.., surreptitious, hopefully lol), and the lengths i would take to feel the feelings a client, and to be fuelled by a desire to help.

at the same time i have known to separate the personal desire from the professional, finding in them both, a feeling of care, and of meaning.

both years 2011 and 2012 have been amazing for me. i am amazed, really, that i could churn out these words for feeling the way that i do. i really thought these feelings were more abstract and inexplicable than they actually are.

this academic year of 2012/2013, i am glad that i am granted the flexibility to choose the modules i'd like to study on, because then i get to explore even greater the relationship i would have with a future career. (the only relationship i am concerned with at the current time) :p

i am already hinted by the fact that the international court of justice is situated in The Hague, that i would enjoy learning about it because it holds sentimental value to my heart as i grew up in The Hague!

all in all, i feel thankful for the opportunities i have to pursue this education, to have the choice to choose, to have the courage to work in a foreign state and country, and to have the friends and family who have supported me emotionally and financially.

i am also glad i have you :p to read about my journey :p

so to anyone out there seeking to study a law course, and are in doubt of how they would feel as a human being vulnerable and unprepared when thrown into a sea of draconian dispute, please, be advised that you are and will always be the person you have always known yourself to be.

and that whatever it is laid down upon your plate, you shall embrace with positivity, an endearing soul and an ambitious mind, in voicing your views which will, in the little water they may hold, indubitably change a life, or even many.

xx

sj

Additional work/life related entries:
Changing a Life
Learning, Growing

And they were all, white

I'm so sorry for neglecting this blog!

Life's been busy busy bee!

I'm in Manchester though at the moment, am entering into 2nd week of uni. i was pretty tight for time as my internship in Singapore ended about 4 days before uni began. so it was, flight back home, family time, packing, and flight away. 

So yeah, been settling home issues, studies, as well as hanging out with friends, you know, having a bit of a social life x

always healthy innit? (:

speaking of health, my health is in shambles, *cough cough*, feels like i can just about cough out my oesophagus like a giant noodle :x

anyway things are going fine, because life is so fast-moving, i don't really have the time to ponder on homesicknesss and the likes

when i do have spare time, i sit in bed, relax, light a scented candle and half the time i'll fall asleep (having blown off the candle first of course), and other times i just feel soothed.

things have changed so significantly over the years, i cannot explain.

sometimes i wonder really where my true character lies because i am ever-changing and have always been this way for as long as i can remember

thank you all for being with me through everything and i shall try my best to update this blog (: I WILL.

just a photo :

white party 26/9/2012

xoxo
sj

I Walk This Empty Street, On the Boulevard of Brightened Dreams

Hello! Hello!

Blogging from singapore!

from a hotel! hahaha i'll be here for the next two weeks on my own. I'm half eating now and half drinking my KOI :) i'm here for work actually and for a short holiday :)

Anyway i think my readership has declined to a point of no ascent already LOL 

like cos i really haven't been blogging regularly. i post more facebook photos though! so you can add me on there but please put your own picture as your dp so i can identify you easily!

Anyway i really like it here (: I can see why most of my singaporean friends studying overseas always anticipate coming home. I mean WHY NOT RIGHT? the place is safe, green, organised, with SMART infrastructure and with a hint of culture in certain areas like chinatown and little india. 

Oh Oh

not to mention fashionable. have you been to scape? like the street strollers are all so hot and bold in their statements i've fallen in LOVE. 

nowadays when i walk at night I DONT HAVE TO CLASP MY BAG close to my breast wtf

i was quite uncertain about the trees at first so i asked the taxi uncle, eh, uncle, if got so many trees the casualty rate stemming from road accidents should be quite high isn't it? because trees like those easily kill.

and he was like, oh, we don't have that many accidents here. 

i cannot get over it. sorry if i sound damn sakai hahahaha but i haven't been to singapore in like 10 years or so. and the last time i was here i only explored orchard and i remember vomiting in a hotel bed from getting a viral fever hahahahahah

and the infrastructure is smart because even with scarcity in land the city accommodates the growing population, exploring properly everything above ground and below ground, integrating everything together so well. i just find it really clever.

but that is not the point of this blog entry.

:)

actually there is no POINT per se hahahaha

but what inspired me to blog anyway is how i feel about how my life has become of late.

i used to always mope about a lot of things. and i just didn't understand how NOT to mope. because truly, life offers a lot of mopeable things :p such that sometimes they cannot be contained. i used to refer to myself as the MOPHEAD lol because i was such a bloody moper

and i still mope lol

but i've come to a point in my life where i've decided to do something to change that, ok not change lah but to make certain MINOR ALTERATIONS 

i admit applying to a law firm here wasn't something i've been planning for for very long. i just decided i'd try it out and i am truly grateful for the exposure. aren't the spontaneous things in life the best sometimes? they certainly can be. 

it wasn't all easy though i had to do some convincing to get my hands on this opportunity because i don't have any connections here (hence why i'm staying in a hotel charging 130 SGD a night) LOL

anyway, i used to always complain about the ways in which i should improve myself as a human person. and deep down inside i've always wondered if i'd ever get there. sometimes i set unrealistic goals such that they turn into burdens and the more i envision them in my head, the less of that ideal person i become.

but as of now, i am so glad that i've packed my bags and just pushed my little excuse of a butt, that i made some use of myself, and tried out working in two firms for the summer. i am so glad that i can take the train, walk in my heels, carry a big ass red bag containing finished/unfinished work, and walk, focused, and in reflection of my own life. 

i am so glad that i've found this independence i've yearned for for so long.

as most of you may know i just got out of a relationship not too long ago. and to be quite frank, i wasn't sure how miserable i'd be, whether i'd even know what it meant to walk alone on an empty path and to stand on my own two feet.

sure, it can easily be done if you think about it simplistically, but all the small stuff, like not having someone to go back to, not having someone to literally sit by you and listen when you complain about this and that, not having someone to automatically text when you need comfort, or simply not having that big rock who forever has your back. after two years of being in a relationship, these adjustments really did scare me quite shitless to be honest.

and after so long of relying on someone, i thought i die die cannot make it already. i die die gonna cry everyday and be some kind of chai ka eat chocolate and take long misery showers.

after all i'm known to be quite bimbotic. i'm known to be quite.... silly and airheaded. believe me it's not something i'm proud of. ESPECIALLY the fact that i have absolutely no sense of direction. (i have a legit excuse lol i used to have a big phobia of getting lost as a kid)

but i am really glad that i took a challenge, and that Singapore is here for me to do that. and the reason why i phrase it in such a way is because i feel like this opportunity to be here is not just for ambitious work purposes, but also for my entire wellbeing. i feel safe here, and it is the perfect place for me to be on my own, to test myself, to walk on my own aimlessly (or with aim depending on the time of day lol), to explore, without a boyfriend, without a man to guide me through everything. plus, the accent here is almost exactly the same as the malaysian accent so it's the best of home and a foreign land :)

being on my own, i've learnt more than just independence. i've known how to stfu. like literally. if you have no one there to hear all your crap, and to take all your shit, then all you have to do is learn to deal with it and get over it. and i can feel my mind align with my heart, as if to tell it that it has been such a clingy piece of mess, and it's time to be rational.

this entry is getting damn long hahahah i'm sorry

but yeah thank you Singapore you've been helping me so much and you don't even know it :)

i've truly been learning a lot about myself both here and in KL and i'm really really happy to be jotting down these words today, this summer, that i may remember the summer of 2012 as the summer i found..

..me (:

xoxo

sj

"but it's not that i'm heartless, i just find heartiness in a lone heart."

five stars on a flower for an illuminating summer 2012 (it's just henna) :) xx

Leaps, Lofts, and Life

HELLO

how y'all doin!

i was supposed to blog about italy and my birthday along with all my pics but right now i just feel like typing in a blank white space (: this blog this blog, this blog, contains sooooo much information about me. i mean looking back at it, there was this one time, the air stewardess who checked my bags in for me found me here on this blog the next day and commented to wish me a safe journey!

and another time i met a guy in college who read my blog before introducing himself to me and when he met me in tuition class he wrote notes to me about my life! and we're still friends now, he called the other day!

i mean fun quirky interesting stuff happen to me because of this blog. i do wonder though if i will ever shut this down one day. i've been tempted to a couple of times but then my heart just starts to ache and then i chicken out hahahahahahaha

over a blog

chyah

i'm so sentimental over every little thing that i WANT to go back to our old house in holland one day to just peer at it from the outside and try to recall childhood memories (: and i was there like when i was a baby??! for a couple of years? and yet i'm still sentimental over it! i had a dream one time about playing about in this loft of some sort, i just knowwwww the house is calling out to me lolololol sentimentamania :p

my life is same old, i'm starting to dread going back to manchester though. i mean it's just so great at home! when you're sad or lonely or whatever not, you can just go hang out with your siblings! or play the piano! or go for a drive! (which i am getting better at btw WHEEE), or go for a swim (i plan to do that soon) and not be devoured by the cold

i love my life at the moment, i feel my spirit catching up with my core.

i feel like i finally understand a lot of things in life, like i'm at peace. with reference to my previous entry. hahahaha in case you all didn't already figure out "he" was "ME" wtf lol

sorry i like writing stuff like that. i guess that's just who i am. i appreciate artistry in the form of cryptic writing. it expresses the things i cannot bring myself to say in such accuracy, down the very last detail. it allows me to get lost in the head for a bit and then find my way back illuminated (:

anyway, i wonder how things will move from here. sometimes i like to be a step ahead of everything so i don't ever need to feel unprepared. it stresses. me. out. thoughts about internships and about the future and about my career and all those cuhrayzay stuff adults think about. oh lawdy have merceh

at the same time i wanna make sure i enjoy these last few years of my tertiary education, fun times don't come by so often anymore when you start working. or maybe they do, they just appear in different forms and substances (probably a lot MORE substances if you get what i mean) :p

so many questions in my head so many leaps ahead i want to take. but really, sometimes it's best to just take things slow (i mean that's what the priest told me when i went for holy confession, a very blair wardorf moment i must say) hahahahahhaah he told me that my life seemed to move in a really quick pace and he assured me that it's okay to chill out and take a breather.

precisely what i'm doing now, although i can't say the same for the thoughts in my head, they've always been a problem for me!! they whiff around like they aint got no mastah! i really love talking to priests by the way, i think they are ever so wise. and i kind of like the act of reconciliation, i think it is a really genuine, humbling experience. i go once in a while just when i feel like my life needs some cleansing haha guess i'm quite in touch with my spirituality.

what am i even talking about? i'm like jumping from one topic to the next. i should probably go to bed but i slept today from 3-7pm because i'm a monstrous napper monstrous. i love staying up late at night, there's just something so tranquil about the dark and the quiet.

but i'm running out of things to say.

i guess i'm just glad that everything has found its place somehow in my life despite the difficulty i've had to endure to get here.

thanks for reading guys, and goodnight.

much love,

sj

The Tipping Tiptoe

The expression swept across his face,
though swift it wipes away
as if tied to the hand-holding of every bygone,
skipping and prancing to a gust of wind as it carries with it leaves,
of auburn green and yellow, wafting across land after land, the sea after sea of an unknown time

ever tipped indeed it may have laid, upon either end of a tenuous scale,
greatness ever glorious while it tumbled unto a surface cushioned, so caressed with soft pasture,
to let go as though an anger once never known could so easily dissociate
dissociates
then nods to a freedom he knew to be so in tune,
so up top,
the hierarchy specifying the place of each known emotion

whilst a vulnerability so heavy and burdensome lay on the other end
dancing amid rigmarole after rigmarole, singing of the fleeting adages of our time,
where honey flow and dangers take off in peaceful acquiescence
the load arising into an atmosphere of hope and fortune
with its cost and its price only to ever take him back to it
the pointer,
asserting, postulating,
looking to apprehend, to perplex,
looking to mollify, to placate
tip it does tip it does


but alas the road not taken remains to be the road not taken
it lays bare awaiting the tiptoe of a traveller most timid
watching and gazing intently the trampling upon parasitical weed, upon delicate bluebell
of the alternative, muddy, forested, plane so vast
where wildflowers linger to be and to breathe

a plane of rescue
one of every convenience,
but attempt does it not to compensate the absence of a truer meaning
nor fulfil a depth so deep as the burrow collecting streams of still water
but it grows to be one in which there is time, and space
where he sits lackadaiscally
watching either direction and the every escape in between prove awry, 
colluding askew into endings uncertain to a point of tragedy
leaving to clarity only but a prompting, whispering to his stride 
as it responds bringing his sprint into a pace 

he strolls to find an arena known only by him to finally be devoid of capitulation
a secretway he never once believed, not in years, to substantiate
not a breath could have held it in place

but he exhales the tremors of the day
bygones be bygones indeed they were
thus he stays put
aware
and he finds ever within his very grasp
a peace as was promised him.

Pinback 2 back

Really into Pinback lately. Liking their sound.

Life at the moment is... uneventful. haha, but i'm a great slacker, returning to my natural habitat, bird returning to her nest really.

have just started off with salsa dance and going to attempt vocal training, we'll see how that goes, if i have the moolah $$

and then after a couple of months here i'm off to KL and SG for law internships. should probably buckle up sometime soon-ish, read up on some lawyerly things.

how's life for y'all?

happy i hope.

i've never been happier, being with family (:


"and believe me, regret and guilt, they aren't on my plate; because the ones who stay long enough to watch you shine, they gleam, and the ones that don't, they miss out and they, well, they regret."

Princess Happy

Good morning, princess.

It's your birthday. You are now twenty two years old. twenty, freaking, two *freaks out by a corner*

how do you feel today? apart from weirded out by the fact that you called yourself princess? if it's any consolation you have an excuse to do so because your name Sarah literally means Princess in Hebrew :)

You have been through so much in your life. Good bad, happy sad. You've known pain and laughter, joy and disaster. I guess you are a splendid catastrophe. You are an astoundingly woolly ball of thread constantly entangling and untangling free.

In 8 years you will be 30. Thir fuhreaking ty. How scary. If anyone knows how quickly time flies it would have to be you. And if anyone knew how excruciatingly long phases take to pass it would have to be you too.

This is pathetic. You are talking in circles and bringing to the table a pile of contradictions. Make up your mind sometime soon?

I guess future Sarah in her thirties would like to look back on this entry in 7 years and discover all sorts of mystery and wonder in her life as a twenty freaking two year old, only to discover that you have always been same old and you always will be. Reinventing new dreams, reigniting new passions, when they are and have only ever been regurgitations of what you've always known to believe in.

You just didn't realise them at the time it mattered. You just didn't identify the pivot point in a field of random dots. Sometime in the future you may find yourself in the very same position.

Nevertheless, future Sarah, present Sarah will have you know that twenty two year old you gleefully accepts life as it is. You've come so far. You're going to graduate in a year. Another milestone! Apart from that, you've loved and you've lost, but you've found yourself, your old self, your true self. Finally the phases of darkness are over and long gone. You've yearned for this day and you've earned it. Your friends are beautiful, beautiful people. You've always had a knack for strong emotional attachments to people so much so that you struggled so much enduring physical distance with your best friend in the whole wide world, Grace Alyssa Chua Swee Ying, as well as your other besties in Puak 13. ( a very cool name indeed )

You have also always had a knack for things of the past, holding every bit of sentimentality so very close to your heart as though they would run away and dissipate if you loosened your grip. But now that you are twenty two, the most valuable lesson you've learnt is that life in all its horrid unpredictability can be such a big  fat obese mess but there isn't a reason, nuh-uh, to stop believing in beauty ever new, every great, ever glowing.

Because indeed, that is what you have found, so far, of late, after years of pining and indecision. You've learnt to keep the friendships of old, knowing just knowing they are forever, and you've learnt to let go of anything that eats at you as you open up to even more amazing people and amazing things.

Your family is an amazing amazing family and you should know by now that the eyes of the twenty two year old you glisten with gratitude and sparkle as they thank the God above for your lucky circumstantial standings in the world as a daughter of the two greatest beings on this earth.

Oh and law might possibly be the best thing to happen to you.

Anyway, princess, the point is, you've made it. You've made it to a place of normalcy and routine and you might even have made it further than that. Contentment isn't all too shabby but it certainly isn't a mere contentment you are feeling deep within the corollary veins of this organ they call heart.

You feel peace. You feel calm. You feel strength. You feel all sorts of things, one of which might possibly resemble this famous expression they call.... happiness.

Nihilism Annihilated

Exams are over everybodeh!!!! uhuh uhuh *chicken dance*

was a shit stressful period for me because for one, i went WIFOUT my coffee. yes you heard me, without it, for most of it. because i had weird nausea problems where i puked air everywhere i went, how attractive. i don't know if it's gastric or indigestion or just anxiety but it was horrid but i'm okay :)

exams were *shrug*, for lack of a better expression. let you know when results come out, or.. not. :p

i'm just glad i survived them, my first exam in the uk WITHOUT a boyfriend AND with shit health. more power to ya sj someday you're gonna conquer the world oh yeah baby come on come on

i'm exhausted, despite having been getting 8 hours of sleep (or more) everyday. i don't know what's up with me lately. but i'm ill you know, so i really have the inherent right to rest, if i do say so myself.

oh yes, we had jurisprudence today and i specifically chose the topic on nihilism because comparative religion struck my fancies BIG TIME baby a couple of years back, in a personal way. and for that reason i really REALLY wanted to make sense of my essay as i don't know, a sort of written letter of closure for that part of my life. but yeah that was quite some wishful thinking because i totally got lost in what i wrote head to tail top to bottom, my writing was total complete utter bollocks i don't even know if i would be able to make sense of what i've written if i were to read it now. i really should stop attempting to make hasty decisions based on some random forlorn bits of my life :S

lesson learnt. life is an experiment :p

catastrophic as it may be :p

i am full of shit :S

a picture of me with chopsticks in my hair from the time i decided to do a quick updo on a hot summery day. i really look like i'm embracing my asian roots, well i'm not japanese if that's what you're thinking. although i do have japanese readers (well i did). hajimemashite!

yay for huge ass pictures! this will be the size of my pictures from here on. this picture reminds me of the time  i just finished my exams in year 1 and pronounced the day Asian Appreciation Day!

hahahaha

and for those of you who want some mind fuck, i've dug out these entries from the time i was in the middle of that whole religion hoo-ha :)

Reason and Religion

The 10 minutes

No Boundaries, No Race, No Religion

TO THE SUMMER

and beyond :)

xx
sj

Shed to Shade

Today, I was feeling really out of it so i did something i haven't done in years. i went for a run :) for all the sadness and all the fear i ran towards it, and away from it. i ran to remember the times i had run off, storming out of pain, the times i had run off, feeling like i hadn't belonged. i ran to an olden abode, where the nights were long, where life was a mess, where i never got out of bed, losing a spirit a strength. i urged myself to keep fighting the wind that blew past me. i stopped to see the spots where olden memories had been, standing tall still, waiting for me. i said hello, took a mental picture, told them thank you and goodbye. i ran away, i ran the distance, i ran to stand under a tree, and another, and another. its beauty, i had almost forgotten. how could we live everyday and never stop to appreciate the beauty of a shady tree, to look through the spruces of each leaf, looking up, and above, where parts of the sky peeks through at you, whispering through the quiet language of a gentle breeze. i could stay there, and stay looking up for hours if i had time to spare. the tree with yellow leaves, it looked sickly, like it needed to shed a little leaf, grow a little more, but more importantly, be given time to change its phase. it was beautiful, to me.

i ran past the cemetery. how could i have stayed nearby for 2 years and not noticed the peace and sorrow those sacred grounds emit. i stood in silence and prayer, to tell the Lord they would want to be with Him. i ran away, and said goodbye. i felt the layers of me fall down to my toes, the masks, the polishes, the every sharp edge i carved to be a better and happier human being.

today, i felt my inner being feel at peace with everything that surrounded me. chances, circumstances, change.

today, i ran.