Strength from within

Sorry i haven't been blogging! now that i'm finally signing into blogger i'm like WHUT, the whole system has changed. precisely about the same time my facebook timeline kicked in!

does anyone even read this blog anymore? HEH HEH i used to have soooooo many readers in my glory days (i exaggerate) but then life went downhill and i lost readers and now i'm at a super low readership HAHA plus there's this whole domain problem with UK readers because you automatically get directed to fanciepantiies.blogspot.co.uk which is not a domain my ads can be seen at.

so if you are kind, UK readers haha, can you start reaching my blog via http://fanciepantiies.blogspot.com/ncr because that will lead you to my ads and will allow me to increase my revenue HAHAHA

to be honest i only started the ads when i quit chem engineering and felt like shit for siphoning so much cash into the SEWERS lol so i started adding ads to earn a lil pocket money. before that, when my readership was big, i blogged for the fun of it :)

anyway, long intro aside, i am doing fine. have been really exhausted lately. i woke up at 6pm yesterday, can you believe it. 6 FUHREAKING PM in the NIGHT good lord sarah.

my exams are in 3 weeks and I have to start revising soon, alongside preparing for seminars and completing my essay meant to be due 2 weeks ago. haaaaa haaaa

backlogged work, such a pain. but i'm giving myself some leeway. break up issues. ya know they can't be easy on anyone. and i don't perform under emotional strain. NOT AT ALL.

anyway, i am well :) i do manage to pick myself up time and time again. underestimated my own strength. i guess things are gonna be okay.

nothing is up right now actually, apart from me devoured with work and visiting starbucks like.. uh every other day. to try and concentrate and focus on the things that really matter in life. i cannot WAIT for the summer when there is finally time to rest!!!

no concrete summer plans as of yet but i'm thinking i might travel, it depends. sorry haven't uploaded italy pics, if you have me on facebook you can see them all there :p will probably update in the summer. too busy right now!

hope everyone is doing fine. i hope love is blossoming on your end. i hope life is sneaking up on ya like tigger on a pogo stick! haha i hope everything is fun-filled and surprising and if your life, is... lacking, like it is for me, you're not alone :) every day is another chance to be a happier person and everyday offers chances to get up and smile and do something, ANYTHING, to make your life a little more unpredictable.

it's the little things in life we shall commemorate in the end. the big stuff, nah, they might fail us and when they do, the little things become ever so big, ever so bountiful that they spill us over like an unexpected warmth, a hug from behind, a strength from within :)

a strength from within.

where have you been all these years? :)

My Life in a Song

I said I told you everything I left something out
Underneath the stairwell.
That I'm under lock and key, but you can probably tell
A powder keg in a prison cell.

I wanna return but all you will do is turn to leave
If I can find my way home, will you take hold of me?
I've been gone so long
I can barely say
All I know is now I want to stay
Has it been too long since I went away?
Cause I'm trying to find the words but I can barely say

Well I used to be the sun
Waiting silently but they barely noticed me
But I've been talking in my sleep when anybody sees they turn and run from me

I want to return but all you will do is turn to leave
If I can find my way home will you take hold of me?
Cause I've been gone so long
I can barely say
All I know is now I want to stay
Has it been too long since I went away?
Cause I'm trying to find the words but I can barely say

I wanted to run
I wanted to love and be loved in return
But will I ever get back, do I know too much to return.

I've been gone so long, I can barely say
All I know is now I wanna stay
Has it been too long since I went away?
Cause I'm trying to find the words but I can barely say.

* * * * * * * * *

I am addicted to this song, ADDICTED.

It strikes a chord with me, it really does, in a non-love related way. I know there are various interpretations to the lyrics but every single time I hear them they just get to me and gobble me up!

I would buy the entire album for this song, seriously i would. And the album title Scars and Stories hits a nerve, it is so apt it pierces through the bullseye.

Hats off to you, The Fray, you bottle up my deepest secrets in a single hymn for the broken.

A Leaver's Loss

Have any of you watched the movie "the pursuit of happiness", the one starring Will Smith? You know the part of the movie when his wife left him and their son while they struggled with poverty, trying to build a life of survival? A very frustrated Will Smith spoke these words to his wife, "You are weak, you are weak."

I think those words very accurately describe a person who leaves in the absence of compelling circumstances such as abuse, having been cheated on, and the likes.

Once you love someone, that person becomes a part of you. As cliche as that may sound, it actually literally means just that. When you love, you make a choice of commitment and trust, to hold on for as long as you possibly can, to support your other half, through all things frightful and beautiful, because that is just it, you love. And by your other half being a part of you, you do not blame them for the misfortunes fallen on your own individual life. You work around those unpleasantries because you want to be happy with the person who makes up this part of you you'd never want to see hurt or distraught.

When you truly love, you don't make excuses for failing to make her happy. When you truly love, you man up, take the lead, and become that person TO make her happy even if you feel you are incapable, even if all circumstances turn against you. because her happiness becomes your happiness and her lack of happiness would in turn fuel you to go after making her happy so you could be happy too.

When you feel unhappy and you realise she is unhappy too, true love does not crumble nor does it give in to such weakness. Happiness to me is very subjective. I can be very unhappy with my own academic life, career, self esteem so on and so forth, anything at all really, but that does not mean i am unhappy in my relationship with my partner, nor should my sadness in those aspects transfer into my relationship, because my other half is a part of me, and in no circumstances should i betray that other half merely because my own life is weak.

And that is why, I have tried, over and over, despite being unhappy, to make things work with you. I have told myself, over and over, that my fault will not attribute to any mistake made between you and i, because my fault is BUT MERELY my own fault, and should not morph into something ugly that comes between us. Who am i to destroy something built after 2 years of blood and tears? Who am i to destroy this part of myself i care for so dearly?

In a sense, i have been strong, to take in whatever sadness has been thrown at me for your failure to see how i have tried to do everything i can to make things work, whilst you fall so inexorably into this trap, of how you equate your unhappiness to our unhappiness.

So call me foolish for believing that when you love, you never, ever, walk out on someone in the absence of compelling reasons. Call me naive, and silly, immature and a hopeless romantic, but i know for my own life what it is i want out of life. I see this picture for my future and I am not afraid to bare my soul to someone who might possibly rip me apart, if it meant I could be a step closer to attaining a happiness of love i truly believe in; because i stand up for love, and its beauty ought not to be tainted by our human selfishness, at least not in my own personal life.

when my friends tell me i am stronger than i think, it helps me believe that being submissive has allowed me to grow a healthy and robust conscience. despite having been taken for granted, you should know that i stand firm on who i am and how i behave and i wouldn't do the same towards you even if i were given the chance.

We have been equally unhappy with each other, and yes, I have taken the majority of breaks from our relationship to clear my head whilst i worked on my own life. similarly, i'd expect you to do the same should you need to. But i have never, ever, walked out on you for good.

And i sleep well at night knowing that i didn't.

You on the other hand took a different route, one I have made peace with and accepted despite having initially been muddled up in a juxtaposition of shock and foreseeable prediction. And so i wish you well. Sincerely though, I wish you every happiness. I don't believe in karma because i believe that life is unfair, and some have it harder, in this case me. But your happiness from here on will indeed contain one less guarantee of someone who would've stood by you through thick and thin DESPITE her own unhappiness.

your happiness from here on would've been obtained by pushing aside someone who even offered the saving proposition of changing herself for the timebeing so she could cater to your required happiness because she naively believed you'd do the same for her should she find herself with a lot on her plate.

Call me crazy, call me a loser, but that is okay, this is life.

Call me a sucker for this love, but i beg to differ, because with all this unhappiness afloat, i am merely being who i am and doing what i perceive to be right.

Although it may feel like i am at the losing end here for wishing you well, in the end, you lose me.

and the simple truth is that someone who walks out on me does not deserve someone as naively foolish, masochistically mind boggling, traditionally conservative, painfully honest, patiently faithful and beautifully rare as me.

Goodbye, Matthew.

And in the words of Will Smith, "when someone walks out on you... it's because there is something wrong with them, not you."