It's been quite a while since i've posted anything really personal AHAHHA. or EMO for that matter :) (:
Life is looking up! It probably wouldn't count as "UP" for anyone else but me because my "UP" threshold has lowered significantly!
I've been through pretty rough shit but who am i to say what you've been through huh :)
Nonetheless, i miss this place as my personal blogging space. I refrain from blogging sad stuff because i don't want to give the impression that i'm emo ALL THE TIME AHAHA which tends to be the case with blogs because people tend to blurt stuff only when they need to.
And i don't want to give in to sadness at times so i talk it out to someone and let it go before my fingers itch to put it down on paper/blog/something that realistically solidifies that form of sadness LOL
anyway today's topic is on relationships.
this is because my "Relationship" tag has pretty much been abandoned since i've met matt and started tagging my relationship-related entries under "SoulMatt".
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I realised I've always been quite a lucky girl, in a sense that everyone i've ever dated has treated me fairly reasonable. i've heard many stories about guys cheating behind their girls or hitting her or dumping her etc and i've met so many girls who refuse to love because they are scared/scarred or because they simply don't believe in love at this moment of time.
this is my personal entry so i'm not gonna disagree with anyone's views AHAHA because everyone's life is different, comprising of different circumstances/circumcisions LOL, assholes and jackasses :) i'm just writing because i want to express my gratitude that i've never dated anyone who has damaged me so badly before.
can't really say the same about people who have admired me before though because things kind of got complex once or twice.
nonetheless i guess it's safe to say that i only went for the 3 exes whom i truly fancied, and whom i fell in love with. they all took good and proper care of me and talk to me to this very day. i cannot deny things will be awkward if i see them again, nor can i claim that they treated me excellently, but i will say they were good people with good hearts.
there is no purpose really for this post LOL i just felt like i wanted to share :)
overall i do believe my relationships influenced me greatly especially in my adolescent years. i wouldn't say it was all on them, because i probably had interest into being influenced by what they had interest in, thus constituting common grounds.
i was a really unstable individual throughout my adolescence and it cannot be denied that curiosity played a part. nevertheless curiosity never killed the cat :)
curiosity brought me into a whole different world where i experienced so many different elements to people. elements which a person cannot possibly embrace so closely without having been in a relationship with the particular person. friendship and a relationship with your partner are one and not the same.
my views were swayed over and over. regret, at times. painstaking danger and jolts of excitement at others. although i do believe that i strayed by a considerable amount, i know that it was i, myself who brought about that decision. Even so, i never strayed as far as i've known some people have, and i have my family and friends to thank for that.
there were certainly not very happy memories brought about by the "eventful" moments of breakup after breakup (which i initiated just for the sake of mentioning :p). but peering back into the boxes of the past, i certainly knew what i was in for, however naive i might have been.
and deep down i know, that i would probably never regret having chose the path that i travelled.
sooner or later, everyone will find themselves yearning to travel down that tempting path by taking huge insurmountable risks. and inevitably, pain and hurt will come pouring generously upon your barely covered wounds.
to me, it does not really matter which aspect of life that risk rooted from, career, friendship, ambition, because at the end of it all, fulfilling your yearnings whatever they may be, enables you to taste the salt of life that every individual will eventually stumble across slicked upon the bitter back of their tongues.
early or late, they will be there. and no matter how appealing avoiding it may seem, change will rob us all of safety and precaution and will leave us with insatiable desires to take the plunge into the unknown.
What happens if you do not plunge? well, i think that refraining from exploring the many possibilities limits your perception of others and how you relate to them. having not been in risky, mind-torturing experiences leaves you absent of the consideration and the understanding when people you love walk the steps you find foreign or absurd, simply because "there was that law of life, so cruel and so just; that one must grow or else pay more for remaining the same". -Norman Mailer
What i've gotten out of knowing these 3 incredible people is really how liberating it feels to have known what it was like jumping out of thin air into the arms of individuals you never expected to have loved. the liberation that comes from love messes with your mind, most especially when you haven't yet matured. with good sense and boundaries, there is nothing wrong in my opinion, with dating early. for me personally, it helped me channel my attention towards others instead of towards the areas of my life where i lacked contentment. it helped me see the extent love takes you and the extent others would take for your sake having been moved by the power of young love.
it is an incredible feeling, spark and maybe even your own personal legend which you would have had written on your personal writ ;)
there is no bad from which good does not come.
having known how my relationships wound up, i ended up in Matt's arms, the person i am with at this moment. Crossing my fingers for us to last, i know i am satisfied and deeply moved by his affections. Surely there are differences when you start dating again at an older age, but these changes are all constructive towards your being, and the person you dream of becoming.
Indeed there is no other greater feeling than to love and to be loved in return. The entire universe revolves around love and its rich and beautiful nature. Your very dreams are sourced from the strength of your love for life. It does not have to be a relationship between partners that helps you realise this, but for me, that was how it worked out.
All the best in your loving endeavours :)
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