Vulnerable Multiplicities

One of those nights when i'm most vulnerable. I don't know what's going on with these tantrums my hormones are throwing. I've been absorbed in a lot of thought lately, of the future, of fleeting time. This is the way i function, i guess. I always ponder on things way too early in time, i ponder first, get emotional, do absolutely nothing about it and await my fate.

usually it strikes 2 weeks before a deadline, sometimes 3 weeks. in this case, i guess, months before i will have to say goodbye to this place.

people are so excited to graduate, so excited to skip this city and find a new life. i am excited too, yes, but at the same time i drag with me this deep sadness, like i will need to say goodbye to so many things i've built.

i guess the entire concept of building just thwarts me, it crashes my race car into a wall.

i cannot decipher it, i cannot grasp it. why do you build so many things only to leave them? you can enlighten me with a billion elusive concepts of how we never really leave them, how we never really lose them. but everything changes. i am aware of how bad i am with physical goodbyes, but they are the scariest thing. to me they look like lions in a den, they look like the darkest spots in a forest, the most catastrophic wave in a tide.

will i need to rebuild my identity in a new place? will i need to find my groove? will i need to grow, yet again, into something i have no clue of becoming, much less know if becoming it is even remotely desirable?

is there excitement in the unknown? there is excitement in new beginnings, but not in an unknown sphere of time and space which may well turn bleak. dark. different. 

i used to be scared of law school, thinking i'd one day look in the mirror and despise the person i would've become. i was scared of losing my sense of morality, scared of being brainwashed into a society which demands and fights and commands. truth be told, i could never criticise a waiter for bad service when i would rightfully be entitled to, what the hell am i doing as a lawyer? i'd help the poor dude serve the damn meal if he was grouchy that's what i'd do.

when i look in the mirror i see a fraction of so many things. of pain of fun, haughty laughter, sorrowful tears. i see a piecemeal of 101 things that make up this person who's only trying every day to find a path on which she may place her feet, and grow to call home.

i see a little soul preparing herself to adapt to/assimilate into a million and one ways of a liberal world, dragging her tiny feet to embrace a big society flourishing with diversity and multiplicity.

what i do not see, is who i am while i'm doing it.

what is it really of life that scares me this way?

i am reckless about so many things. travel, adventure, parties, booze, weed, strangers, lone wanderings. surely, an extra step in a purportedly right direction will not harm me further.

i am in discord with life, and i think i always have been, from a young age; when it hit me that i strive for a permanence that will always, somehow or rather, be taken from my grasp.

See

"Goner, go and break your back again
And leave it just the way it is
Borrow all i have to give away
And leave it with you"


"Sorrow never hid his face from me
He'll leave it running from my eyes
Go on, relieve your pain
And leave it with me"

Prance while you bask
flowers in your hands
beauty of a shady tree
i left with you

Listen now, See
the days ever lengthened
the stars ever brightened 
sparkle they do
imperceptibly

This paper heart
you mistook for a big ol' vein
which takes and steals
Look now, See
it crumples
She crumbles
the spot where you stand
burned a hole in the ground

Go on, relieve your pain
And leave it with me
Leave it with me

He'll leave it running from my eyes
From my eyes

Party...Partly

This is a story of sarah jane attending a party.

except instead of partying like what people do at parties, sarah jane did not party.

this is sarah jane dressed up ready to party. she had been mourning a lot the past two weeks and decided it was time to get out and dance her boogies away!

these are her beautiful partners in crime :)

they are not just beautiful they are amazing and have been her source of comfort while she had been mourning post-breakup especially in italy when they had to speak to her before she went to sleep and uh practically everyday, along with kaykayhunnybunny who is not in this picture

this is their nice housemate RY who came along

this is a nice picture of the girls of the night... before things got ugly lololol

upon entering the club everything was fine and dandy and they all danced their booties away in happiness and laughter! 

thereafter, came somebody who decided it was "cool" to  get his jiggy on with em girls

iz all cool iz all cool nice to meet you, but this person decided it'd be cool to get all touchy feely with sarah jane as though she was his girl or something insane like that and decided to cradle her in his arms 

she was cool at first but then he decided it was not enough to have her in his arms he had to feel about too

good grief, she thought, what an indecent monster. indeed i shall sing to his face the "disrespectful" in the song "sexy bitch" along with akon, she thought. she sang loudly and shot monster a glance of annoyance but all monster did was smile cheesily. she couldn't take the movement of his hands so she broke out of his grasp and stalked away. she needed some air.

things were a blur. she wasn't sure if it was her shit shaky emotions or the alcohol or the stench of desperation but she decided to walk upstairs to sit and get some air. 

she didn't know where her friends were because they got lost among the crowd. she decided to wait a little while and join them downstairs after gaining composure. she sat on an empty couch. there was another person sitting nearby waiting for someone. he came by, spoke to her and asked for a dance to which she refused asking instead for a conversation. he was sweet and spoke to her for quite a long time and appeared to be thoughtful. but because she refused his request to dance multiple times, the alcohol in him started to show when he asked whether or not she was there to get laid. what the fuck, she thought.

she said no and got up to leave. he tried to explain that wasn't what he meant but she paid no heed. she walked straight out but forgot her coat. she went back in and he was there coming after her. she shot him an expression of distaste and ran downstairs. she had to get out. she was desperate for a warm cup of hot chocolate and a place she could call home. everything was a blur. everything was a blur. she knew this was reality in any club, she knew it. but things were different now. she no longer had the protector she once had for two long years. physical protector, not so much, but a mental guardian of her every strand of thought.

the atmosphere buzzed with loud laughter, magnified; with expressions of debauchery so clear to her now to be screaming for attention in relief of pain, taunting her struggle with loss. the stakes have changed. the stakes have changed. it hit her hard that her life had to be paved based on her decisions and her decisions alone. from here on, this was it sarah jane. 

you hold in your very hands the illusory crystal ball containing the every possibility your life could entail, she thought. no one to clean up your mess should the fates be shaken to reveal an endless chain of undesirable events. she snapped. 

she grabbed her coat and hailed a cab. cab driver drove her home. she gave him a ridiculous amount and told him to keep the change for her gratitude. he said thank you when he was to be thanked. she stumbled home in her heels. her friends were asking all about her via cell. her cell was blowing up. she should have told them she wasn't okay she knew, but she just had to get out, she had to. she was okay, she was safe. she was home, in her shower, scrubbing off traces of indecency; in her bed, alone and comforted. she was thankful.

she does not blame the monsters for their monstrosity (well not completely anyway) because being intoxicated may stimulate penile intrusion messing with rational heads turning them into penis monsters wtf 

she was however, utterly turned off.

for fuck's sake even barney stinson is about to marry quin (no pun intended) and tony stark the womanizer has his heart devoted to ms potts.

she doesn't blame the level of notoriety because it is to be expected. it was her own emotions and her own mind that weren't handling of the situation

and that is precisely why sarah jane has decided to retire from partying.

temporarily.

until further notice :p

until she believes it's safe to be naive again :p

(but don't keep her to her word for too long) *miley cyrus's can't be tamed plays* lol wtf

and this, is the story of the party that was only partly.

the world reduces itself to so little when it finds itself in brokenness

but no, be bigger than your body, bigger than your mind; for beneath the rubble is a heart that prompts you to.

in the meantime, she sings to herself in showers and lives, grateful for everything else in life. friends, family, everything and anything beautiful revealing itself in tiny packages :) everything that believes and soothes, everything that stays. 

she hopes you Are happy Too.

xx

Sarah Jane

My Life in a Song

I said I told you everything I left something out
Underneath the stairwell.
That I'm under lock and key, but you can probably tell
A powder keg in a prison cell.

I wanna return but all you will do is turn to leave
If I can find my way home, will you take hold of me?
I've been gone so long
I can barely say
All I know is now I want to stay
Has it been too long since I went away?
Cause I'm trying to find the words but I can barely say

Well I used to be the sun
Waiting silently but they barely noticed me
But I've been talking in my sleep when anybody sees they turn and run from me

I want to return but all you will do is turn to leave
If I can find my way home will you take hold of me?
Cause I've been gone so long
I can barely say
All I know is now I want to stay
Has it been too long since I went away?
Cause I'm trying to find the words but I can barely say

I wanted to run
I wanted to love and be loved in return
But will I ever get back, do I know too much to return.

I've been gone so long, I can barely say
All I know is now I wanna stay
Has it been too long since I went away?
Cause I'm trying to find the words but I can barely say.

* * * * * * * * *

I am addicted to this song, ADDICTED.

It strikes a chord with me, it really does, in a non-love related way. I know there are various interpretations to the lyrics but every single time I hear them they just get to me and gobble me up!

I would buy the entire album for this song, seriously i would. And the album title Scars and Stories hits a nerve, it is so apt it pierces through the bullseye.

Hats off to you, The Fray, you bottle up my deepest secrets in a single hymn for the broken.

Know your name

Sometime in 2008, I had a huge meltdown. I don't quite remember what it was caused by, probably about a million and one things that attacked me from each direction :p

A friend talked to me and he gave me a link to this song.

It so happened that this friend was kind of involved with both me and the antagonist (of the time) 's problems AHAHAHA. Antagonist said one thing, i said another. Friend got stuck in the middle but friend cared, i guess.

Nonetheless, i gotta say, this song stuck with me, and i still listen to it every once in a while. listen to the lyrics. i usually don't like jason mraz because he is the most overrated singer on planet earth! but this song spoke to me and i remember crying to sleep listening to it.

i hope it cheers anyone up, especially to anyone feeling down. hold your own :)

Goodbye

Today i embodied Newton's 3rd Law in its purest definition as i was for a moment skipping to the wind and in the next watching my entire world tumble down before me.

Look After Me

I am a big girl i can take care of myself

i am a big girl i can take care of myself

i am a big girl i can take care of myself

:)

a reasonably unpleasant week. but bearable...

because

i am a big girl i can take care of myself

2008 : the time it all changed. naive no more.

Charlotte

Humanity.

It was only a matter of seconds before the blurry digits formed a figure of desolation, like a guardian in dashing scurry pacing to rescue a child.

Yet, when glanced through from the outside, that desolation dissipates as though hope had been dashed hours or even moments before tragedy.

This place where nothingness unites like tiny brown pegs on a washing line, has, and so it seems, washed away dirty, unwanted stains of pretentious strength set up from the first block of lego at the point its feet conjoins with the surface of cold and fortifying unfamiliarity.

Linger, it speaks, while the grey steel snaps, clinking onto a sturdy foundation so diligently stacked in forming that raft ever floating to an adventure embarked in chasing the unknown.

What is it really that takes all our hope away.

Do we truly, believe in this life?

SarahJane the stripeless zebra

I am going psycho over exams. Exams in 1 day.

1 DAY

zomgoatwtfbbqchickenandpigs!

I am only going to aim for a pass. for, a, pass. who better to aim for a pass than me considering the circumstances.

Please include me in your prayers. TQ i love you i will always be thankful to you lol

bye~

2B

i want to just. be.

Time

Time, edges away in all its greatness. Often, it slips away discreetly whilst the knowing heart; aware, shields itself in pretence that the treasure lost meant no more than a snowflake, falling softly upon the snow only to be hailed away by a rough paver.

Time, slow like the night becomes dawn, emerges to produce surprises as we awake, trying, yearning for another second to throw ourselves into the moment. The moment, where everything for all eternity, changed with not a final time for us to hope, or to say goodbye.

Time, ticks like mr grandfather clock, as the thoughts return, over and over to the grand and unforgettable chime where life was at its peak, where people were like bolsters; where success was as simple as waking up to the soft breath of air, the quiet sound of rain, the beauty of the summer's day.

Time, takes you to moments of wisdom, where the wise mind surreptitiously whispers to the wary personified mess those discernments have induced. There may never be another piece of strong rope to take you back up the wishing well you once fell into, where you found yourself after and amid your very dreams, muzzled, lost, deeper into the darkness of time.

Time, time changes everything.

Disqualification

If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.

-Epictetus

In a myriad of ways, the stepping stone linking every experience ever gathered leads me to relate to quote above.

Pride is the true resemblance of monstrosity in a person. It not only eats you up in your arrogance, blinding you to shortcomings which would imminently crash when time would have taken its toll, but it also destructs impressions of those around you whom you perceive to have been naive and gullible when they are in fact watching you through your gritted teeth and glowering and condescending nature, all the while thinking that there is more to life than allowing something so trivial and unworthy to ruin a day in a life of greater gifts from God.

There is nothing more constant, more substantial, than the silent killer whom you once deemed foolish and stupid.

I plan to remind myself that the presence of the hundred shortcomings I possess will guide me to overcoming them, as opposed to stepping over them, as opposed to stepping over those who share the very same weakness.

Self-worth is very subjective. Knowing weakness in this life is knowing ideal worthiness, never underestimating, nor overestimating.

So i guess i'm out of your race until you decide to take on the high road.

Random

Bla'ee hell i'm ge'ing fooking emo.

BEING COOPED UP IN MY ROOM SUCKS!

There i said it in a none emo way.

*does some stretching exercise*

only reliant on my exercise to make my feel good now. i've been told i am fit and i can afford to sleep after breakfast, so that's a bonus. THANK YOU FOR SAYING I AM FIT, you have no idea what miles of happy you have prepared for me.

Ok i guess i'll start going back to msn and skype after my half a year hiatus. Anyone who wants to talk just lemme know ks.

My msn doesn't work on Pinkie so i guess i'm going to ebuddy till i get it fixed.

Stop being emo sj. *stretches*

Hairy Tale Pt 2

I cut my hair short!!!!!!!

Tadaa!!

Before you say i'm copying your hairstyle, lol, i didn't really intend for my hair to be this short!

I just only mentioned that i don't want to cut my hair short because:

1. Which girl doesn't say she misses her long hair after she cut her hair?

2. With long hair, you can secretly talk on the phone in class and no one knows.

3. With long hair, you can cover your arms/upper torso on fat days when you're wearing a cute tank top/tube top/halter dress.

4. With long hair, you can cover backhne on days you wear bareback tops and your back broke out!

5. With long hair, you can do hair flips!

6. My bm tuition teacher used to say my keayuan lay in my long hair. In other words everything else about me is not ayu lol *EMO

7. With long hair, you can cover your neck and ears easily in cold weather

8. With long hair, you can do the pontianak look for fun :p

9. With long hair, you can style your hair to many different things! ie, french braids, side ponytails, big curly waves, beehive etc

10. With long hair, you can slap your friends when you turn your head back just for some good fun!

But short hair can look GREAT on some people. Like really ten times better than long hair. I think that a girl with short hair is usually more confident. i don't know why, but that's what i think.

But because my confidence is usually 80% down in shreds lol, i always keep my long hair. I cut it, mainly because my hair is really spoilt after all the hair dyes and there are so many flyaways, they are very hard to take care of if you are not mega loaded like me and don't think monthly salon hair treatments are affordable.

Matt has always said he thinks short hair would suit me but i didn't do it for him! lol. i did it for the sake of my poor new and unspoilt hair just waiting to be separated from their spoilt enemies lol. Matt said his prayers have come true WTF matt! :p

And also, cutting hair in the uk costs like a freaking 25 pounds = rm125 Ha Ha Ha (the one in chinatown), that is like 4 times a haircut price in malaysia! So i figured i could just cut it short now and it'll have a whole year to grow there since i always cut my fringe by myself at the sink.

But anyway, i'm quite happy with my hair. I think it's a good haircut. Went to Kelvin's to have a try. Got a stylist that looks a lot like janet mae lee's older sister. :) i know her because we used to hang out when we were little. janet, you probably don't remember but our moms were quite good friends when we were young.

Obligatory ahlian pose since short hair is usually associated with cuteness. Bear bear 唱歌 ^^ hehexzxzx :p

ok since i'm feeling like that pic was very wu liao, lol i shall divert your attention to this korean song that is so EMO it will surely make you cry!!! credits to my dear friend pris who introduced this song and omg it is so touching sighhh

I remembered the song because my hair looks a little like that after i wash it without blowing with a hair dryer. no, i'm not a korean fan at all but watch this song and don't tell me you didn't cry!!!

Teach me

Do expect this entry to be a long one.

So last saturday was my last day at work. I am going off to manchester real soon to study a law degree and i had to end my job in Miri.

I was filled with mixed emotions. I think i will have trouble describing my feelings without turning cryptic but i shall try.

Being a teacher has definitely been one of the most exhilarating moments of my life.

Life, lately, has been a real shitload of drama and instability. Having a job, for one, was a way for me to feel fully and with commitment, a part of something i could zone my focus onto for the purpose of zoning my focus out of my temporary life of being on hold.

At times when i have long days, i would feel the slightest impatience at some kids when they acted out or when i had to correct them every 5 seconds for the things they could not read or the questions they could not solve. There are kids of all sorts in the centre i worked for. Kids from Jirudong International School from Brunei who come down on weekends, half malay half chinese kids, half white half native kids. All sorts.

At times i felt like i was out of place because i did not study a teaching degree nor would i ever aspire to because it has simply never come to mind.

The incredible thing is, at the end of the day when i were to come home all exhausted and sore-throaty, i would place my mind on the few of the kids whom i taught and they would bring so much joy to me. I would talk to matt about them and i could go on for hours if we weren't doing long distance and the phone bills didn't cost so much lol

While nearing the time for me to depart, i looked at some of the kids i had really bonded with and i swear i could cry if i was alone. I told some of the kids i was going to leave to further my studies but some of them were so young they didn't really know what "further my studies" meant. So i had to tell them i was going back to school. Some asked if i will ever come back. Some looked at me with their huge puppy dog eyes trying to decipher the reason behind my leaving them.

This is a picture one of the kids drew of me. She drew my eyes so big! *touched*

The thing is, she is not even placed under my teaching care, as in she is mostly with other teachers but she noticed my flower necklace! even the chain is the same! And i wasn't even wearing it on the day she drew the picture which means she has been noticing me for quite some time.

Sigh, how can i not love kids who love my style? lol

I have always loved kids with an extra cherry on top which is why grace suggested i become a pediatrician so i could deal with them and help them in life. Mom thinks so too but she always said i'd only love them when they were good and not when they were to act out of control.

I always thought myself to be impatient but i am surprised to hear my boss tell me i am patient and motivated.

Recently, i suppose i matured slightly and i no longer go chasing after cute fat kids with grace. I feel like my entire mindset has turned around and just the other day, i held a kid's left hand while walking down a spoiled escalator while he was whining to his grandma to hold both his hands. He smiled at me thereafter and i felt accomplished. His grandma asked him to say thank you to "ah jie" (thank God she didn't call me AUNTIE) lol

In the same way, there are kids at my workplace that make me feel a great sense of accomplishment. I love watching improvements and even if there weren't any for some of them, i love how they suddenly started trying harder. I love how a kid who for all this while pretended to be good showed his true colours when he was under my care(i knew he was naughty when i first saw him because he had a transformers pencil case and a cut on his eyebrow lol)

There are kids that most people think the worst of but i can't help but see them for their soft and pure side they do not show clearly but in a soft and discreet way are just screaming for acknowledgement.

If anything, this job has brought me one step closer to motherhood. If i could love the students i teach regardless of how bad they are, i wonder how much deeper a love would be between a mother and her child. It is unfathomable to me at this point.

On the other hand, i do see young mothers going in and out of the centre regularly. These mothers look my age but are already mothers of 2 or 3. When i glance at them, i stare in awe at how they handle their kids. I wonder if i would ever be ready to give up my entire life for my kid.

There are so many things i have discovered i'd like to do. Things i may not have the courage for now but would love to try when the time is right. Is my time running short? Will i be the person i aspire to be before i call myself worthy to be a mother? Will i be satisfied with my own life before i try to help my kids be satisfied with theirs?

I know i sound freakishly scary to non-committed people but honestly, one day, you will have this monologue in your head.

Nobody wants to die alone. or grow old having no one to care for them.

Sigh i am so sorry this is so damn emo.

I am very grateful for this experience. I do not know if anyone else would feel so emotional about a job. And even though this job is really probably not at all related to what i will be studying, i know that it has, in the most special way, brought my life up a notch in this journey of understanding the person that i am.

Damnation

In incomprehension I lay in this indecision whilst the world around me evolves. Forceful desires surge in me while I dream for a release. An explosion, where my body and mind would just tear apart once and for all, never needing to fight for intactness ever again.

Whilst the forcefulness pushes to no avail I wander around to the back of my mind yearning for a decent shutdown where I could dream signs and symbols to continue my life in my understanding consciousness. But no, they would simply refuse to grant my fatigue some solid brick I could cling onto while the storm and hail ferociously charge to tackle the weakness of my being.

***

I wrote this when i was in my course, sometime in March. I think it is safe to say engineering ruined my life LOL. Yea yea i know what you're gonna say, you're gonna say that with my attitude everything is in the ruins HAHA (this is how sensitive i have become! i now can detect the most susceptible thing on your mind without you needing to say it)

I didn't wanna post this up because honestly, it was not a pretty sight or memory. And come on, it is pretty damn scary ok, even when i read this now i get the chills brr...

But i just saw a sad status post of my friend on fb :( and i feel he can relate. Well friend, whatever it is, be grateful you were stronger than i was.

I wish you all the best.

Every single day, i find my mood fluctuating so frequently like the swing of a tiny pendulum ball. But i'm getting there. A place of normalcy and routine and the ability to be stable for a longer period of time. And i no longer get continuous nightmares anymore :) I can feel my health returning, my appetite and my courage to speak and not to hold things in.

I sound like a drug addict don't i HAHAHA. But really, you don't wanna know how it's been like. And really, i've never taken unprescribed drugs HAHAHA

Friend, i pray for your recovery. I pray you will never need to plunge this low and that you will in your own time, find happiness. I wish you resilience, joy, and the ability to forget the past. It's now time for you to create a new present you can call the past in 10 years time, which you can proudly recall to be the strongest moment in your life.

Like matt once said and i quote, "no one said it's easy dear" unquote. But for you, friend, you might want to erase the "dear" hahahaha and remember the rest. It's always better to fight than to let it take over you. Be happy you can feel sadness, it's better than feeling nothing at all.

:)

In the meantime, i shall NOT let a sad entry written in the past lure me back to those days. I'm better now. I have a new chance. I am reborn LOL

I really do sound like a drug addict =/ it's scaring me lol

Gary Jules-Mad World

Fact number #1

People always tell you it's easy doing something only cause they've done it successfully. They forget how they've struggled, or rather, they choose to let you wonder why it's so hard while your self esteem is left to rot.

Fact number #2

How were your problems always solved? Don't go looking for new ways to solve them, don't hope in things you've hoped before and have failed you. Go back to how they were solved. And they will be solved.

Fact number #3

The world is too busy to know what it means to love.

One Day

One day, i am gonna make things right again.

One day, i am gonna grow out of all these little things and gaze at the big picture i have painted for myself.

One day, i am going to live like i am settled, fulfilled, in a beautiful and not dreaded routine, and decided about where i am in life.

One day, i am gonna grow bigger than my emotions. I am gonna forget the times i was verbally injured for saying the wrong things, for being a clumsy loser, for failing to turn over a new leaf, for not being enough for people to trust i had done the hardest i could.

What use is there mending broken glass.

Everyone says it is easy to forgive, but how hard is it really, to forget?

One day, i will forget.

If you have asked me before in msn what i meant by my personal message this is my answer.

Vermin

Can't remember the last time I had at least 3 consecutive days of peaceful sleep. Feels like forever since then =/ I keep getting nightmares about the most random stuff that don't make sense.

So many mixed emotions.

Anyway i'm gonna play the piano now down in the library. It's so weird that i've been here for half a year and i haven't touched the piano at all even though i applied to this accommodation because i wanted the piano.

There are so many things I try to push away out of my system but they still pull back in somehow.

I am a vermin to who i am.

I wonder where the light is.

Rollercoaster

I attended a workshop lately entitled Managing Anxiety and Panic.

Yes tell me why i result to such things =S

Anyway i definitely came out chirpier after that because i realised there were people in the workshop who have it worse than me. Honestly they were really REALLY observant towards their symptoms and have obviously given it a lot of thought. They were in serious deep discussion while i was just quiet thinking that there was too much thinking in the room.

And to think people say i over think.

We were given a task to talk to the person next to us about how we counter these problems and the guy next to me said he takes it all out on alcohol and he takes walks to random places. I told him i talk to one or two close friends and i sleep excessively. And he said he usually can't sleep. I should be grateful i still can. Though it's probably the equivalent of not sleeping with all my terrible dreams.

Did i tell you i got another bad dream about being at a flavoured ice shaving shop and having gotten confused by how to calculate the mass of the ice shaving because the seller placed them on the bowl too quickly before i could measure the weight of the bowl which then made her place the ice shavings on another cup which then made me think about washing the bowl and drying it so i could weigh it so that i could later weigh the ice shaving+bowl and subtract the mass of bowl. But i couldn't find a water tap =/

Sigh but i guess this beats not sleeping at all.

Honestly, i'm not trying to gain happiness out of their misery. But it's just the same like when you're feeling low and shitty and full of self pity and you decide to compare yourself to people out there who are less fortunate who are on the streets/handicapped/sick. It just somehow makes you realise that life isn't that cruel to you after all and you shouldn't be so selfish to think of your own misery all the time.

After that i skipped two days of lecture because well, i just did not feel like getting out of bed in the mornings. And i feel like i am phobic over not understanding things being taught to me. I get frantic over current deadlines too. Starting to feel like A2 taylors again but let's not dwell on that.

I went to the St Patrick's Day pub crawl where i did a shot and some random sips. and i danced around like a silly person but at the end of the day my mind just became all clouded again by this damned depression.

I wouldn't really call myself depressed but to some extent i know i am because my tutor/professor said so =/

One method the psychologist in the workshop told us to adopt is to focus out, meaning not think about these symptoms, refuse to respond to them and keep going.

which is why i am going again tonight to a club at Bijou. Rock on lol

Sigh i'm afraid to say that recently i've accumulated tissues on the chair by my bed like how i used to when i was younger(which was the only way mom knew i had been crying) because i was simply never expressive nor dependent. Sorry about that to anyone who is concerned.

But i guess i just keep hoping for better days and if life permits, i will be going somewhere this easter holiday to a place i love and feel most safe in.

Home.